THE SONG OF THE NIGHTINGALE

"Thou sing'st with so much gravity and ease,

And above human flight dost soar aloft,

With plume so strong, so equal, and so soft:

The bird named from that paradise you sing

So never flags, but always keeps on wing"

Andrew Marvell,”On Paradise Lost”

his critical response to John Milton's Paradise Lost

In a recent discussion about unconditional love as a learned family legacy, my friend Rich spoke eloquently of his mother’s transformative love which seemed to him and his siblings, at the time, nothing more than a mother’s job in raising a family.  In those days resources were limited. What was unlimited… unconditional love.  Invoking the metaphor of the nightingale, Rich painted a poignant picture of sacrifice, forgiveness, and love which could only be characterized as purely unconditional, and which illustrates my theme better than any words I can muster.     

“My mother had a voice like a nightingale. I still remember sitting on her lap (even at 4 and 5) and listening to her sing lullabies and kids’ songs. She was offered a start in business in her teen years but she fell in love with Dad and ended up instead with 7 kids on a ranch with chickens poking their heads up through the kitchen floor. She talked about it often in later years but could not imagine life other than the present one with her present husband and children.”

Unconditional Love

The connection between treating others with real love and loving yourself is a basic truth.  And to love ourselves unconditionally is to love others unconditionally.  In poems and parables, great teaching minds have shed light for us to follow.

“Intense love does not measure, it just gives.” Mother Teresa

“God's love is total, unconditional, absolute and forever. We have to allow God to continually fill us. Then we find in our own lives the power to give love away.” from The Great Themes of Scripture by Richard Rohr

“The greatest gift a parent can give a child is unconditional love. As a child wanders and strays, finding his bearings, he needs a sense of absolute love from a parent. There’s nothing wrong with tough love, as long as the love is unconditional.” Mother Teresa

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomas Merton

“For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities- warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes more meaningful and more peaceful-- happier.  When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.”  Dalai Lama

‎"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." Mark Twain

“Finding your true unconditional love means finding the true you. You must work through painful experiences that create anger or bitterness in you. It is absolutely impossible to unconditionally love yourself if you harbor bitterness, anger, guilt or any other feelings that are not love.

Learning how to love yourself unconditionally, creating your dream love by being clear on what you are looking for and being sure that you are able to provide that for yourself before expecting someone to provide it for you, that’s where you will find unconditional love.”  Unconditional Love (starting with you) by Kathy Brandt

As our teachers illustrate, we must be aware when our worlds begin to tilt on an axis of unforgiveness of ourselves leading to conditional love.  To be your authentic self is to love yourself, and I believe that this means to forgive your past, find joy in your present, and expect the best for your future.  These tenets are especially critical in the duties of stewardship or caregiving for others.  To see our own faults in others is a common springboard to nitpicking and fault-finding, but provides the easiest way to learn that we are operating in and through an unforgiving, unforgiven spirit. 

When I am present for a child I love, it is who I am and what I do that must articulate love for myself and for others so that who she is and what she does will articulate the two sides of that same coin.  She cannot enjoy her life if she doesn’t enjoy herself, and she is watching me for signals as to how to do that.  She sees whether I love and forgive myself, and how I react to mistakes and miscues.  Those teachable moments when I show her my human frailty and laugh about it are filed for future reference in her child’s mind.

Conditions put on love are damaging to all of our important relationships. First, conditions put on love are an affront to the God who created that person at whom we are directing our conditions.  A Father’s love is meant to be mirrored, not challenged… how would any parent feel if his child, while on a play date, was baited by a supervising adult with a condition for acceptance and an alternative of rejection?  Second, conditions put on love are an assault on others whose lives we touch, as we miss the opportunity we have been given to share our love openly.  As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You cannot shake hands with a closed fist.”  Third, conditions put on love are a revealing mirror of our inability to love ourselves.  It is our own soul’s self-loathing that transmits itself most authentically. 

How do we love?  Perhaps we can look anew at our own actions; perhaps we can see them more clearly in the reactions of those around us.  If we are not giving of ourselves with an open, forgiving heart, we have an opportunity to reset our minds and change.  We can reassess our actions and perspectives, alter our reality, and reconstruct our relationships.  Our loved ones will help, but it must start with us.   And along the way, we have the wisdom and example of our family legacies… our own special and unforgettable “Nightingales,” to follow.