A GENTLEMAN WITH SNUGGLY INTENTIONS

 

We foster to create a bridge between a pup’s past life, where he was often abandoned, and his future life, where he will ideally be cherished. We welcome them knowing they will arrive wrapped in a bundle of anxiety, fear, and distrust.  We expect a few (or maybe several) sleepless nights to start, and know that the demands of the next day will still start early, end late, and take several zig zags during the day.  But again, we are fostering to create a bridge.  A bridge.  Solid, safe navigation crossing from one uncertainty to security. 

 

Our latest foster pup, a Golden/Labradoodle named Rocky, came as an excited and excitable 50-pound ball of love.  His posture is regal, with his long legs allowing him to reach your shoulders in a heartbeat.  Yet he has none of the aloofness of royalty, as his favorite position is sprawled on the couch next to you with his head and front paws in your lap.  Two days after arrival he was scheduled for his neutering visit to the vet, and he came back almost as energetic as before his procedure.  Perhaps as a testimony to his unwillingness to do anything to upset his new home life, he displayed amazing resiliency and demanded very little attention, never really complaining or requiring special attention.  No cone for Rocky… he stayed away from his wound and asked only for hugs and snuggles.  His foster brother Jack shared Mommy’s bed with Rocky, and while we’re not clear that we believe her insistence that she was not encumbered while sleeping with 100 total pounds of doodle in her bed, she’s sticking to her story that Rocky’s snuggles are well worth a little diagonal sleep positioning.

 

After 3 weeks of enjoying Rocky, we have been asked to inventory his characteristics, assess and describe his personality, and answer some pertinent questions about care and feeding so the California Doodle folks in charge of adoption can begin the search in earnest for Rocky’s Forever Family.  We have said we will keep him as long as necessary to find a perfect FOREVER family, as he certainly deserves that.  But as with every foster journey, Rocky’s with us, as filled with fun and adventure as it has been, has always been destined to end with a video conversation with the potential new family, a meeting, and a goodbye.

 

So we decide to do it again, knowing our tears will barely be dry when we get the next call from our Doodle Rescue friends who have saved yet another abandoned doodle from a shelter and a very uncertain future.

 

We seriously toyed with the idea of keeping Rocky.  Jack and he, as doodles of almost the same size, age, and level of enthusiastic energy, have become fast friends. Even Honey, our sweet feisty Chihuahua who determinedly leads our walks by taking 5 strides for every one of Rocky’s, has developed a kinship with Rocky.  And in the event of a tussle with Rocky, she knows her big brother Jack will stave him off and protect her.

 

But in considering keeping Rocky we faced the realization that we would be abandoning our initial mission in becoming foster parents… to help bridge each traumatized, neglected, or abandoned doodle from his awful past life to the promising new one that awaited him.

 

We have met others who do this work and see it as noble and meaningful.  We see in them the commitment and love of animals that drives the sacrifice of time and treasure required to do this work. And through that lens we recommit ourselves to welcoming the joy, savoring the adventure while it lasts, and mustering the courage to let it go.  And let it go we must. 

 

We will soon say goodbye to our sweet Rocky, as he will no doubt be adopted as soon as he becomes available.  That day will be a victory for the process, and will underscore the importance of the bridge… its strength, its safety, and its ability to route those that cross it with ease, that they may continue their journey to a new forever home and live the life they deserve.

                               

              

 

By the way, as our fostering continues, you may expect to see us out and about in my Jeep (the license frame to which says “This Jeep is for… rescues and adventures with pups.”)  And we will always try to expose our fosters (along with our own pups) to a variety of venues for external stimulation. You will find us at outside cafes and restaurants, with pups sitting by our side or lying down; we may be touring around our local malls encountering passersby without incident; and our pups will continue to enjoy pup cups going through the drive through at Starbucks and on the outside veranda at Temple Coffee and Chocolate Fish, 2 local coffee shops where they can learn to socialize with other patrons. If you see us, come over and chat! We’d love to introduce you. With foster pups, there’s always plenty of love to go around!

 

THE LAST CLICK

Trying to make saying goodbye better than saying hello is the job of every person or family who fosters a dog. We know the goodbye is coming, and we know it will be relatively soon. We look at our foster and must always be mindful that this may be the last trip to the lake or the beach or the park. That this may be the last bath, the last snuggle, or the last treat. We can train our brains to understand the eventuality. But how do we train our hearts? Better said, how do we tame our hearts?

 

My friend Diana and I had the idea about fostering shortly after she retired. Even though she spends most of her time ministering to others, her love for animals and specifically for doodles overarched her yearning for more free time in retirement. And so the process began. Contacting the doodle rescue organization, filing an application, going through the interview process, and finally being approved to foster a dog. And then it happened. Maddie happened. A sweet, snuggly, alert, loving Labradoodle with a heart yearning for a forever home. She captured both of us within moments of meeting her. The wag of her tail was as constant as her eagerness to play with Diana's doodle, Jack. And now, less than a month later, we must turn Maddie over to her forever family. And we will both listen to that last click of the leash as we hand her over forever.

 

Who is better for this undertaking? Diana and I, for sure. She has had the luxury of snuggling even in bed with Maddie, and enjoying the warmth, both physical and emotional, of contact with a heart so pure and so appreciative. I have had the joy of training Maddie to become a more obedient and secure dog. Jack has had the benefit of a little sister whom he could help learn the ropes of walking in cadence and enjoying the abundance of nature on our Folsom trails. And even little Honey, my Chihuahua terrier mix, has grown in appreciation for Maddy's eagerness and fun-loving nature.

 

Now the calculus begins. Quieter houses and walks, and glancing over at the spaces that Maddie occupied with such whimsy and fullness of life. But we have not lost her. We have given her away to a forever home. We have made her better, and she has made us better, and that, is after all, the entire goal of fostering.

 

So for those of you who foster, kudos to you and your family and your friends for your patience, your sacrifice, and your willingness to give up what you're falling in love with.

 

As in life, we never really do know when the last click will happen. But for animals whose very future is so uncertain only weeks before we meet them, we provide fostering homes and families to help launch them into the next chapter.

 

For us, it's the last click. For them, it's the first click of the rest of their lives.

 

    

ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE

 

 

Recently I published “Perspective,” a blogpost honoring women who made the courageous choice, months ago or even decades ago, to end their marriages in part, and often in large part, because they felt their children would not be raised to their fullest potential with the father she had chosen for them.

 

Today I want to offer yet another perspective for your consideration… that of the brave men in similar situations. I know many of these men, and I’m sure you do too. Some saved their child-to-be from a life-ending procedure and accepted 100% parenting duties for life. These are the soccer coach dads who want to ensure their little girl’s safety and athletic progress. Others stay in marriages which might have been easier to end, because the children and the family would suffer financially, emotionally, or both, in their absence. They work all day and fly home to ensure the household works all night… homework done, PTO meeting attended, and pizza party organized. And then there are the men who stepped up and married the woman with whom they had fallen in love, willingly and lovingly enveloping into that new family unit her children left behind by a former spouse. They can be seen on a Friday afternoon consoling a child with suitcase packed when biological dad calls with another excuse as to why he’s canceling the weekend together.

 

These men must stand shoulder to shoulder with the other parents (mostly Moms) at the bakery sales and Christmas fairs and choir practices. They must make decisions that blending family’s face every day with equal consideration of their own biological children, and those they have inherited through a loving marriage. They accept responsibility without complaint, and deserve our respect and admiration.

 

So what is our perspective when we meet these men? Do we feel awkward not knowing how to approach them? Do we struggle to arrange activities in which they can feel comfortable? Or is our perspective such that we cannot integrate them into our social paradigm?

 

When I think of the sacrifice and the character that each of these men exhibits, I pray that we can at least show the same virtues, and be sure to seek them out, acknowledge their importance in our society, and love them for the men they have chosen to be. For it is their example that sets the tone for young boys who will become the fathers of tomorrow. And our world is in desperate need of their bravery and valor.

 

 

I’M TORQUING ABOUT FUN

 

How many people do you know who follow the Benjamin Button formula of being born old and getting progressively younger with each passing year?  Well, you’re meeting one now.

 

I’m 73 and just purchased my first Jeep Wrangler!  Yes, I have to climb in and when I get out it’s more like a dismount (Again, it’s a Wrangler!)  The seats adjust manually (what?) and the rear wheels can either spin independently or in tandem thanks to a Dana M200 Rear Axle and brake actuated limited slip differential. If you think that feature can get you out of a jam, you know more than I knew going into this deal.

 

So what makes a retired finance type buy a vehicle intended or at least capable of off-roading?

 

I guess it’s a little late for a “second childhood,” or a “mid-life crisis.”

 

I think it’s really the fact that I got to drive a Jeep rental for a couple of weeks and caught that virus thing they call “Fahrvergnugen.” It translates to “Driving Pleasure.” Of course, since Volkswagen first made this term popular in commercials in 1990, it should be obvious that my familiarity with it categorizes me as officially too old to enjoy it!

 

Jeep Wrangler owners love to wax poetic about torque and towing, horsepower and hauling capacity, skid plates and trailer sway control.  Me? I like the all-around visibility provided by this body shape which is essentially a rolling cube that is taller than other vehicles… kind of like a windowed box.  It has heated seats, phone and entertainment system controls on the heated steering wheel, and a colorful easy-to-use touchscreen.  It has a fun convertible top with a cool sack to hold it that they call a “Freedom Panel Storage Bag.”  And I love that… calling the removal of your roof “Freedom” and the roof itself a “Freedom Panel!”  These comfort features, not typically lauded by Jeep owners, are what I enjoy knowing I have.  I want to have a fun ride without the hard parts.  To own a Wrangler without too much Wrangling.  And when I use my adaptive cruise control while passing a car full of teenage gawkers, I’ll imagine they’re not saying “look at that grey-haired old lady driving her grandkid’s Jeep!” but rather “how wonderful to see vitality and adventure in more mature folks!”

 

So if you live in Northern California, watch for me on the roads.  Notice I didn’t say “off the roads.”  I’ll know my roll bars are there for me, but they can really relax.  I’m not rolling.

PERSPECTIVE

 

I know several women who have ended their marriages in part, and often in large part, because each felt her children would not be raised to their fullest potential with the father she had chosen for them. I’ll bet you do, too. And I’d imagine you hurt for them in their regret at having had to end their marriages, as I do. Often that regret is because from their perspective they failed their marriages, or failed their children by not creating a loving forever family and an idyllic home.

 

But consider this perspective… that of the sacrifice they each made when leaving the security of a life they knew to ensure the safety and well-being of her children. I believe the standards to which women hold themselves become unrealized when the spouse to whom they are yoked is not equally committed to their children’s well-being. As these women realize they must begin to compromise their standards, they know that means their dreams and their expectations for their children’s well-being will also be compromised. And so they courageously and selflessly give up security and even safety to protect their children’s futures. Sometimes they are shunned by family, or friends, or their faith community. Often they are riddled with a guilt that affects them almost as deeply as their unhappiness in their marriage. Yet they persevere and protect and provide… for their children.

 

You know these women, as I know these women. They are carrying guilt in their 30s and 40s, and they are still compensating in their 50s and 60s. They will not even date a man who will not love and nurture their children, and will not remarry until their children give their consent.

 

Where does this pattern of sacrifice come from? I believe it comes from the essence of her womanhood as the key participant in the creative process. Our Creator carefully crafted a woman to bring the very future of our species to life, not only in her physical complementarity to her male partner, but in her nurturing soul. She is intended to be the forever parent who will sacrifice her very life so that child in her womb will enter the world and prosper. Almost as God’s homage to her steadfastness, she actually carries her child’s own DNA as long as she lives. Her focus is intuitively geared toward her child’s safety and security, growth and formation, and health and happiness, every day of her life.

 

Let’s think of these brave women who have done all this without a father present, and let’s consider the stigma too often levied upon them, from the standpoint of perspective.

 

First, from their perspective they failed their children because they could not make a perfect home. But would our Father, their Creator, take that perspective? Would He risk the future of one of His precious children to a parent not willing or capable to properly accept the responsibility of raising that child up in a faithful, loving manner?

 

Let’s consider how our loving God tested Abraham, as every woman is tested in marriage, to love God above all else. But that loving Father forgave Abraham’s vow of obedience to spare the loss of Abraham’s son. Can we see that same loving God forgiving the woman’s vow of obedience when she won’t sacrifice her child’s future?

 

I think a slight change in our perspective can offer clarity and truth in so many situations. And many times these newfound viewpoints are simple but satisfying. But the change in perspective we can offer to that courageous, single-focused mother who made what she probably considers the toughest decision of her life 10, 20, or even 40 or 50 years ago, can be life-changing for her.

 

Isn’t it worth considering reaching out to one of those women and telling her you know how brave she is, and that you love her for the strength she showed for her children’s sake? In articulating your change of perspective, you can her change her perspective of herself.

 

How empowering would that be?!

INEXHAUSTIBLE GOD

 

In a recent episode of Abiding Together, a Christian podcast I enjoy for its practical and relatable content, Sr Miriam James posed the following: “Cultivate and control are very different.”  The subject being discussed was the cultivation of peace.  Her thesis was that in seeking peace we can easily revert to trying to control the situation we may feel is chaotic, or just plain unmanageable. And our striving to control most often yields little but personal exhaustion, because problems and challenges are the avenues through which we need to navigate to strengthen our faith, and to deepen our relationship with God.

 

Then she shared a quote from Fr. Jacques Philippe that made sense to me, and I wonder if you agree and relate:

 

“Peace does not come from an absence of problems but from the presence of God.”

 

At the core of most experiences wherein we know that God is abiding with us, we are at peace.  We feel a sense of true serenity, and are energized by our momentum as we are encouraged by His Spirit. Alternatively, and totally in contrast, is the experience of assessing a chaotic or unmanageable situation and trying to control it without prayer and thus without God, which tires and depletes and leaves us exhausted and defeated.

 

But, as another of the podcast hosts, Michelle Benzinger added, “Lord, I am exhausted. But you’re an inexhaustible God. You will revive me and you will help cultivate this peace that I need that surpasses all understanding.”

 

There is no doubt that we serve an inexhaustible God.  

When we feel broken, or lost, or confused… He is there.

When we cannot face the next moment… He is there.

When we cannot discern the next right thing… He is there.

 

Can you remember being at your wit’s end trying to resolve an important issue in your life, and praying in supplication to God for an answer?  And even if the answer was not one you would have chosen, do you remember still feeling at peace that you had an answer?

 

That, in my view, is peace.  Finding a resolution around which you can rally.  Internalizing an answer that resonates.  Catching a glimpse of a better tomorrow based on a small (or large) epiphany.  

 

Peace is one of the most sought-after, yet most elusive, goals in life.  Yet without God as a reconciler and a redeemer, we are literally on our own to find it.

 

What is your experience with creating peace in your life?  Does it seem fleeting?  Is its value worth the effort?  Can you sustain it when the next wave of chaos comes? Or do you, too, need our inexhaustible God to bring an inextinguishable peace?

 

I’ll conclude with the words of Andrew Murray, early 20th century South African Christian Pastor, on Patience in Times of Trial:

 

In these moments of trial, I will have four resolutions:

 

1. God has brought me here. Whether it’s the pit, the prison, or the palace, He has brought me here. By His will, I am in this place, and in that fact. I will rest.
2. He will keep me here in His love, and He will give me grace to behave as His child.
3. Then He will make this trial a blessing, teaching me lessons He intends for me to learn.
4. In His good time, He will bring me out again, how and when only He knows.

 

And so my prayer, cultivating peace in full clarity of any trial we may be facing, is this:

 

I am here,

by God’s appointment,

in his keeping,

under his training,

and for his timing.

 

May each of us cultivate and find peace in every trial, every day.

CLARITY. PURPOSE. PEACE.

 

We all age differently. But we all are journeying to the same destination.

 

Whether we feel 39, whether we act like teenagers, and even if we sometimes default to silliness over substance, we all face a reckoning that jars and jolts us back to the place on the timeline where we belong.

 

That’s not to say we can’t enjoy youthfulness and its fantastical attractions… clothing, makeup, manicures, pedicures, beauty enhancements from our eyelashes and eyebrows to our ankles and heels.

 

But the face we fix must face reality. The heel we loofah must heel to time. The spanks we inhale into will be peeled off to give way to an exhaled shape.

 

What, then, will the mirror tell us?

 

If we walk in faith, we know we are created in the image of God and are chosen to imitate His incarnate Son. We are eternity-minded; we seek the Kingdom here on earth. We remain humble and find joy in simple things.

 

Our interior life can sustain us, and buoy our very existence, when we turn away from the material and seek what matters. Finding clarity. Finding purpose. And with those two beacons of certainty, finding peace.

 

Each of us is born into a family of origin, living within its context which sets the tone for our lives. Our values and the virtues we learn to seek are laid out in the dynamic of the household in which we are raised. We are formed in faith, or seek some deity or set of life principles which we follow obediently but often unknowingly.

 

When we arrive at adulthood, we launch ourselves into a sphere more of our own making. Perhaps family retains importance and either geographic or emotional closeness, but we are informed by the circles in which we travel… our work associates, our play partners, and our fellowship of believers who share our faith walk, whatever that turns out to be. Relationships blossom - some even last forever.

 

We may start and build our own family. New priorities, new goals and aspirations form our minds and command time and treasure. We raise our own family and inform the next generation’s path.

 

Then we age through to become the older ones. The wiser ones. We must find ourselves again. Looking at our last chapter becomes a practice of reflection and contemplation, asking questions of ourselves. How do I reconcile where I am today with where my 39-year old self thought I would be? What legacy will I leave behind? What bucket list items can I still do? Where is my heart today?

 

Now life’s reckoning truly comes into perspective. We all seem to find that as we synthesize the times that came before today and try to crystallize what we want the times ahead to look like, three important pillars form in our minds as objective truths worth seeking: We want clarity. We want purpose. And we want peace.

 

Clarity might mean asserting our presence while forming honest boundaries in relationships. Purpose likely follows our heart’s desire for meaningful moments that we might be able to stretch into hours or even days. And peace… how do we even describe its absolute necessity at this stage of life? Amidst the drama, the chaos, and the pettiness of everyday happenings, we find we can only function if peace is our watchword.

 

Let us all, together, shed the expectations life may have placed upon us, and consider this time earnestly. We have a window of opportunity to get this right. And we have the time and treasure to make a difference.

 

How do you see this next chapter of your life? Are yours the same 3 pillars as mine?

If so, I wish you clarity of the most brilliant kind, purpose that sets your heart on fire, and peace deep within your heart, always.