TETAS AND YIAYIAS

 

Those of you in my age group, retired and sometimes contemplative, might remember when the heritage of your family infused itself into the culinary delights you would find perhaps on a Sunday afternoon at your grandmother's or on a Wednesday night at your aunt's or perhaps even every night at your mom's, if you were lucky enough to have interesting offerings on your table.

 

I am blessed to have both Lebanese and Greek delicacies in my taste memory.  Middle Eastern dishes, savory and sweet, were a major part of my upbringing, and have been carried into my generation, lovingly made by the woman our little ones call Teta. Of course, our little ones are no longer little ones… they range from high school to postgraduate ages, but they all savor the delights that only their grandmother Teta can prepare. At a recent graduation gathering, Teta traveled all the way across the country and was kind enough to include me in delivering packages of two of my favorite baked delicacies, kaak, and samboosik. Of course, I cherish anything Teta makes, and I am grateful that Teta's cooking and baking legacy is being picked up by my great niece Sydney, who has perfected the kaak recipe and has always urged Teta to share recipes with her.  

 

My Greek grandmother was known to us as Yiayia, and we are fortunate that her cooking prowess has been carried forward by my cousin Diane. Thanks to her diligence, recipes now exist and have been catalogued for so many of our grandmother's specialties, which she perfected by her mother’s side. In our case, our Yiayia could serve 12 people from a humble kitchen in a manner that spoke of simplicity and love, but filled her tiny cottage home with smells I can still remember. I often receive cherished packages of treats from Diane, and marvel at the legacy she keeps alive by infusing time and love into every recipe. We are fortunate that Diane has a granddaughter, Zoe, who may well carry forward that legacy, as she watches and learns from the woman she calls Yiayia

 

During the times when I enjoy handmade treats made by these two remarkable women, I find myself reflecting on how lucky my family is to have inherited a legacy of ethnicities whose sweet and savory kitchen wonders are legendary. And I wonder how many of you have had the same experience. But the tasting is really not the story, is it? The blending of flavors in both baked goods and savory meals is a delight to the tongue, and singes permanently in the memory. But it is in this stage of life when I find reflecting on what all of that love and goodness meant in my formation... that calls to mind what family and tradition is all about. For those carrying it on, I laud your efforts. The old style recipes are often hard to replicate, not only because ingredients may no longer be available, but because taste and preferences of the younger generations can change. But again, it's not about taste and preferences. It's about reflecting on traditions and the legacy we have inherited which revolves around meals and table, gatherings and fellowship, and sharing and love.

 

I'd love to hear your experiences in such situations as these. Do you find yourself reflecting around a family gathering, or alone over a cup of tea, with one of your family’s cherished recipes? And is there someone in your family who will safeguard those reflections by carrying forward the legacy left by your Teta, or Yiayia, or… tell me what you called that cherished relative who worked wonders in that kitchen in your memory!

EXPERIENCING THE COLORS OF LOVE

 

One of the beautiful things about contemporary jazz is that many of its greatest “love songs” don’t use words at all. Instead, they express romance through melody, phrasing, harmony, and tone. When these artists do include lyrics, they tend to center on enduring love rather than fleeting romance.

 

My friend and I recently attended the Napa Valley Jazz Getaway, a 4-day event hosted by jazz genius Brian Culbertson.  We’ve learned to appreciate Brian’s music because it evokes love rather than spells it out, and his Colors of Love, released on Valentine’s Day 2018 but still one of his signature songs, is probably his purest artistic statement. He uses his keyboard to “speak” the emotions without words, allowing each listener to imagine their own love story as the music unfolds.  

 

This year’s Jazz Getaway was a gathering of several world-famous jazz greats, and performed in the presence of a community immersed in every note and every lyric, turning every one of the four evenings into a dance party and lovefest.

 

We were unprepared for the ambiance and cohesiveness of this community, but we were enveloped by their sincere welcomes. We learned so much about jazz and its history through the conversations we had with these wonderful people, and we have already bought our tickets for next year!

 

Love themes from the array of artists intertwined throughout their performances, and a thread of continuity flowed from the oldest to the youngest audience member, transcending race and age.

 

A distilled message running through their music echoes the Bible’s famous description of love in Paul’s First Epistle to the Corinthians 13:

Love is patient.
Love is faithful.
Love heals what life has broken.
Love chooses another every day.
Love grows stronger through the years.
Love brings peace to the restless heart.
Love is a gift to cherish.
And the greatest joy is sharing life with someone who knows your soul.

 

That may be one reason contemporary jazz resonates so deeply with many listeners—it often celebrates mature, enduring love rather than drama or heartbreak.

Among the artists we enjoyed, Jonathan Butler probably expresses love most explicitly through lyrics, while Brian Culbertson and Peter White often let their instruments tell the story. Culbertson even dedicated his album Colors of Love to exploring “all aspects of what love is,” with pieces such as Love Transcended, In Your Embrace, and All My Heart.  

 

And yet, Brian Culbertson’s entire Colors of Love album is almost completely instrumental. I researched and learned he deliberately chose not to include vocals after polling his fans, who overwhelmingly wanted a piano-centered instrumental album. He has said the album was inspired by his wife Michelle and their 20th wedding anniversary, with each composition representing a different “color” or aspect of love—passionate love, longing, enduring love, comfort, desire, and lifelong commitment.  

Because there are no lyrics on Colors of Love, the titles themselves tell the story: Colors of Love, I Want You, Love Transcended, Don’t Go, You’re Magic, Through the Years, In a Dream, Let’s Chill, Desire, Michelle’s Theme, In Your Embrace, The Look, and All My Heart.  

 

His earlier albums, however, do include vocal love songs. Some favorites are “Somethin’ Bout Love,” an upbeat celebration of being in love, “Do You Really Love Me?, ” exploring the desire for reassurance and commitment, “It’s Only You” (featuring Wayman Tisdale), a song about finding the one person who truly matters, “The Secret Garden” (featuring Howard Hewett), a romantic classic originally written for Quincy Jones’s album, and “I’m Gonna Miss You” a heartfelt ballad about grief and remembering someone who has died, written in memory of Brian’s late manager.

 

If you’re looking for music that captures the feeling of falling in love or celebrating a lifelong marriage, I highly recommend the group of artists featured in this year’s jazz getaway, among the finest in contemporary jazz: Brian Culbertson, Jonathan Butler, Richard Elliot, Nicholas Cole, Rick Braun, Adrian Crutchfield. Their music consistently points toward love that is joyful, faithful, comforting, and enduring.

 

But our most important takeaway from this 4-day journey into jazz, and the reason why I titled this post “experiencing the colors of love…” is two-fold.  First, the actual color ratio of African Americans to Caucasians in attendance was, by our estimation, 65%/35%.  So being the racial minority could certainly have made us feel ostracized, or made us feel as through we did not fit in.  The hundreds of attendees who were jazz aficionados with  intimate knowledge of the artists and their work could have made us, as neophytes to this world of contemporary jazz, feel uncomfortable or out of place, but instead they embraced us with kindness and conversation.  On shuttle buses, in lines queueing up for food or drink, and in our seats as we watched the performances, we were not only accepted, but welcomed.  And the reason why that sense of community was extended to us was so conspicuous to my friend and I that it became a point of discussion between us for our whole trip. 

 

Which brings me to my second point: when people gather around a common purpose, it creates an opportunity for community, but only an opportunity.  What we have learned from our Jazz-loving friends is that true, sustainable community exists when people are united in common by being drawn to a common feeling of joy… and joy that is sustainable comes from a set of people or performances that create a sense of belonging, a sense of positivity, and a sense of love. In contrast, I would offer, are the gatherings we see so often of people united only in the moment around a negative set of opinions or thoughts or beliefs. Does that common negativity create a temporary fervor?  Perhaps.  But is it sustainable?

 

Perhaps you will use this message as an invitation to enjoy some contemporary jazz.  If so, I just know you will “find your groove” and relax into the music.  But my ultimate hope is that it has prompted you to reconsider gatherings where fellowship does not actually lead to community, or to a sense of belonging or yearning to reconnect. Because it is those feelings for which we were created… and thus they lead us to healthy, positive, sustainable community.  We deserve that.  And in a world competing for our attention and our time, it will nourish us, fill us with the experience of the colors of love, and keep us coming back.

 

 

A GENTLEMAN WITH SNUGGLY INTENTIONS

 

We foster to create a bridge between a pup’s past life, where he was often abandoned, and his future life, where he will ideally be cherished. We welcome them knowing they will arrive wrapped in a bundle of anxiety, fear, and distrust.  We expect a few (or maybe several) sleepless nights to start, and know that the demands of the next day will still start early, end late, and take several zig zags during the day.  But again, we are fostering to create a bridge.  A bridge.  Solid, safe navigation crossing from one uncertainty to security. 

 

Our latest foster pup, a Golden/Labradoodle named Rocky, came as an excited and excitable 50-pound ball of love.  His posture is regal, with his long legs allowing him to reach your shoulders in a heartbeat.  Yet he has none of the aloofness of royalty, as his favorite position is sprawled on the couch next to you with his head and front paws in your lap.  Two days after arrival he was scheduled for his neutering visit to the vet, and he came back almost as energetic as before his procedure.  Perhaps as a testimony to his unwillingness to do anything to upset his new home life, he displayed amazing resiliency and demanded very little attention, never really complaining or requiring special attention.  No cone for Rocky… he stayed away from his wound and asked only for hugs and snuggles.  His foster brother Jack shared Mommy’s bed with Rocky, and while we’re not clear that we believe her insistence that she was not encumbered while sleeping with 100 total pounds of doodle in her bed, she’s sticking to her story that Rocky’s snuggles are well worth a little diagonal sleep positioning.

 

After 3 weeks of enjoying Rocky, we have been asked to inventory his characteristics, assess and describe his personality, and answer some pertinent questions about care and feeding so the California Doodle folks in charge of adoption can begin the search in earnest for Rocky’s Forever Family.  We have said we will keep him as long as necessary to find a perfect FOREVER family, as he certainly deserves that.  But as with every foster journey, Rocky’s with us, as filled with fun and adventure as it has been, has always been destined to end with a video conversation with the potential new family, a meeting, and a goodbye.

 

So we decide to do it again, knowing our tears will barely be dry when we get the next call from our Doodle Rescue friends who have saved yet another abandoned doodle from a shelter and a very uncertain future.

 

We seriously toyed with the idea of keeping Rocky.  Jack and he, as doodles of almost the same size, age, and level of enthusiastic energy, have become fast friends. Even Honey, our sweet feisty Chihuahua who determinedly leads our walks by taking 5 strides for every one of Rocky’s, has developed a kinship with Rocky.  And in the event of a tussle with Rocky, she knows her big brother Jack will stave him off and protect her.

 

But in considering keeping Rocky we faced the realization that we would be abandoning our initial mission in becoming foster parents… to help bridge each traumatized, neglected, or abandoned doodle from his awful past life to the promising new one that awaited him.

 

We have met others who do this work and see it as noble and meaningful.  We see in them the commitment and love of animals that drives the sacrifice of time and treasure required to do this work. And through that lens we recommit ourselves to welcoming the joy, savoring the adventure while it lasts, and mustering the courage to let it go.  And let it go we must. 

 

We will soon say goodbye to our sweet Rocky, as he will no doubt be adopted as soon as he becomes available.  That day will be a victory for the process, and will underscore the importance of the bridge… its strength, its safety, and its ability to route those that cross it with ease, that they may continue their journey to a new forever home and live the life they deserve.

                               

              

 

By the way, as our fostering continues, you may expect to see us out and about in my Jeep (the license frame to which says “This Jeep is for… rescues and adventures with pups.”)  And we will always try to expose our fosters (along with our own pups) to a variety of venues for external stimulation. You will find us at outside cafes and restaurants, with pups sitting by our side or lying down; we may be touring around our local malls encountering passersby without incident; and our pups will continue to enjoy pup cups going through the drive through at Starbucks and on the outside veranda at Temple Coffee and Chocolate Fish, 2 local coffee shops where they can learn to socialize with other patrons. If you see us, come over and chat! We’d love to introduce you. With foster pups, there’s always plenty of love to go around!

 

THE LAST CLICK

Trying to make saying goodbye better than saying hello is the job of every person or family who fosters a dog. We know the goodbye is coming, and we know it will be relatively soon. We look at our foster and must always be mindful that this may be the last trip to the lake or the beach or the park. That this may be the last bath, the last snuggle, or the last treat. We can train our brains to understand the eventuality. But how do we train our hearts? Better said, how do we tame our hearts?

 

My friend Diana and I had the idea about fostering shortly after she retired. Even though she spends most of her time ministering to others, her love for animals and specifically for doodles overarched her yearning for more free time in retirement. And so the process began. Contacting the doodle rescue organization, filing an application, going through the interview process, and finally being approved to foster a dog. And then it happened. Maddie happened. A sweet, snuggly, alert, loving Labradoodle with a heart yearning for a forever home. She captured both of us within moments of meeting her. The wag of her tail was as constant as her eagerness to play with Diana's doodle, Jack. And now, less than a month later, we must turn Maddie over to her forever family. And we will both listen to that last click of the leash as we hand her over forever.

 

Who is better for this undertaking? Diana and I, for sure. She has had the luxury of snuggling even in bed with Maddie, and enjoying the warmth, both physical and emotional, of contact with a heart so pure and so appreciative. I have had the joy of training Maddie to become a more obedient and secure dog. Jack has had the benefit of a little sister whom he could help learn the ropes of walking in cadence and enjoying the abundance of nature on our Folsom trails. And even little Honey, my Chihuahua terrier mix, has grown in appreciation for Maddy's eagerness and fun-loving nature.

 

Now the calculus begins. Quieter houses and walks, and glancing over at the spaces that Maddie occupied with such whimsy and fullness of life. But we have not lost her. We have given her away to a forever home. We have made her better, and she has made us better, and that, is after all, the entire goal of fostering.

 

So for those of you who foster, kudos to you and your family and your friends for your patience, your sacrifice, and your willingness to give up what you're falling in love with.

 

As in life, we never really do know when the last click will happen. But for animals whose very future is so uncertain only weeks before we meet them, we provide fostering homes and families to help launch them into the next chapter.

 

For us, it's the last click. For them, it's the first click of the rest of their lives.

 

    

ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE

 

 

Recently I published “Perspective,” a blogpost honoring women who made the courageous choice, months ago or even decades ago, to end their marriages in part, and often in large part, because they felt their children would not be raised to their fullest potential with the father she had chosen for them.

 

Today I want to offer yet another perspective for your consideration… that of the brave men in similar situations. I know many of these men, and I’m sure you do too. Some saved their child-to-be from a life-ending procedure and accepted 100% parenting duties for life. These are the soccer coach dads who want to ensure their little girl’s safety and athletic progress. Others stay in marriages which might have been easier to end, because the children and the family would suffer financially, emotionally, or both, in their absence. They work all day and fly home to ensure the household works all night… homework done, PTO meeting attended, and pizza party organized. And then there are the men who stepped up and married the woman with whom they had fallen in love, willingly and lovingly enveloping into that new family unit her children left behind by a former spouse. They can be seen on a Friday afternoon consoling a child with suitcase packed when biological dad calls with another excuse as to why he’s canceling the weekend together.

 

These men must stand shoulder to shoulder with the other parents (mostly Moms) at the bakery sales and Christmas fairs and choir practices. They must make decisions that blending family’s face every day with equal consideration of their own biological children, and those they have inherited through a loving marriage. They accept responsibility without complaint, and deserve our respect and admiration.

 

So what is our perspective when we meet these men? Do we feel awkward not knowing how to approach them? Do we struggle to arrange activities in which they can feel comfortable? Or is our perspective such that we cannot integrate them into our social paradigm?

 

When I think of the sacrifice and the character that each of these men exhibits, I pray that we can at least show the same virtues, and be sure to seek them out, acknowledge their importance in our society, and love them for the men they have chosen to be. For it is their example that sets the tone for young boys who will become the fathers of tomorrow. And our world is in desperate need of their bravery and valor.

 

 

I’M TORQUING ABOUT FUN

 

How many people do you know who follow the Benjamin Button formula of being born old and getting progressively younger with each passing year?  Well, you’re meeting one now.

 

I’m 73 and just purchased my first Jeep Wrangler!  Yes, I have to climb in and when I get out it’s more like a dismount (Again, it’s a Wrangler!)  The seats adjust manually (what?) and the rear wheels can either spin independently or in tandem thanks to a Dana M200 Rear Axle and brake actuated limited slip differential. If you think that feature can get you out of a jam, you know more than I knew going into this deal.

 

So what makes a retired finance type buy a vehicle intended or at least capable of off-roading?

 

I guess it’s a little late for a “second childhood,” or a “mid-life crisis.”

 

I think it’s really the fact that I got to drive a Jeep rental for a couple of weeks and caught that virus thing they call “Fahrvergnugen.” It translates to “Driving Pleasure.” Of course, since Volkswagen first made this term popular in commercials in 1990, it should be obvious that my familiarity with it categorizes me as officially too old to enjoy it!

 

Jeep Wrangler owners love to wax poetic about torque and towing, horsepower and hauling capacity, skid plates and trailer sway control.  Me? I like the all-around visibility provided by this body shape which is essentially a rolling cube that is taller than other vehicles… kind of like a windowed box.  It has heated seats, phone and entertainment system controls on the heated steering wheel, and a colorful easy-to-use touchscreen.  It has a fun convertible top with a cool sack to hold it that they call a “Freedom Panel Storage Bag.”  And I love that… calling the removal of your roof “Freedom” and the roof itself a “Freedom Panel!”  These comfort features, not typically lauded by Jeep owners, are what I enjoy knowing I have.  I want to have a fun ride without the hard parts.  To own a Wrangler without too much Wrangling.  And when I use my adaptive cruise control while passing a car full of teenage gawkers, I’ll imagine they’re not saying “look at that grey-haired old lady driving her grandkid’s Jeep!” but rather “how wonderful to see vitality and adventure in more mature folks!”

 

So if you live in Northern California, watch for me on the roads.  Notice I didn’t say “off the roads.”  I’ll know my roll bars are there for me, but they can really relax.  I’m not rolling.

PERSPECTIVE

 

I know several women who have ended their marriages in part, and often in large part, because each felt her children would not be raised to their fullest potential with the father she had chosen for them. I’ll bet you do, too. And I’d imagine you hurt for them in their regret at having had to end their marriages, as I do. Often that regret is because from their perspective they failed their marriages, or failed their children by not creating a loving forever family and an idyllic home.

 

But consider this perspective… that of the sacrifice they each made when leaving the security of a life they knew to ensure the safety and well-being of her children. I believe the standards to which women hold themselves become unrealized when the spouse to whom they are yoked is not equally committed to their children’s well-being. As these women realize they must begin to compromise their standards, they know that means their dreams and their expectations for their children’s well-being will also be compromised. And so they courageously and selflessly give up security and even safety to protect their children’s futures. Sometimes they are shunned by family, or friends, or their faith community. Often they are riddled with a guilt that affects them almost as deeply as their unhappiness in their marriage. Yet they persevere and protect and provide… for their children.

 

You know these women, as I know these women. They are carrying guilt in their 30s and 40s, and they are still compensating in their 50s and 60s. They will not even date a man who will not love and nurture their children, and will not remarry until their children give their consent.

 

Where does this pattern of sacrifice come from? I believe it comes from the essence of her womanhood as the key participant in the creative process. Our Creator carefully crafted a woman to bring the very future of our species to life, not only in her physical complementarity to her male partner, but in her nurturing soul. She is intended to be the forever parent who will sacrifice her very life so that child in her womb will enter the world and prosper. Almost as God’s homage to her steadfastness, she actually carries her child’s own DNA as long as she lives. Her focus is intuitively geared toward her child’s safety and security, growth and formation, and health and happiness, every day of her life.

 

Let’s think of these brave women who have done all this without a father present, and let’s consider the stigma too often levied upon them, from the standpoint of perspective.

 

First, from their perspective they failed their children because they could not make a perfect home. But would our Father, their Creator, take that perspective? Would He risk the future of one of His precious children to a parent not willing or capable to properly accept the responsibility of raising that child up in a faithful, loving manner?

 

Let’s consider how our loving God tested Abraham, as every woman is tested in marriage, to love God above all else. But that loving Father forgave Abraham’s vow of obedience to spare the loss of Abraham’s son. Can we see that same loving God forgiving the woman’s vow of obedience when she won’t sacrifice her child’s future?

 

I think a slight change in our perspective can offer clarity and truth in so many situations. And many times these newfound viewpoints are simple but satisfying. But the change in perspective we can offer to that courageous, single-focused mother who made what she probably considers the toughest decision of her life 10, 20, or even 40 or 50 years ago, can be life-changing for her.

 

Isn’t it worth considering reaching out to one of those women and telling her you know how brave she is, and that you love her for the strength she showed for her children’s sake? In articulating your change of perspective, you can her change her perspective of herself.

 

How empowering would that be?!