252 PICTURES

252 PICTURES

I finally convinced my friend John that he needed to join the 21^st century and swap out his analog flip phone for a smartphone.  (Verizon had one for $29.99 after rebate, for crying out loud!) After some tech-gumshoe advance work on my part, we arranged to meet at the Verizon store on the very day his contract was up for renewal and he was eligible for an upgrade.  For those of you in the position of being the most technologically inclined person in your circle of friends, here are some gumshoe tips I used in my ploy (and pay attention to how the story unfolds… this is not an undertaking for the weak of heart or short of patience).

SCHENE ONE: ON THE PHONE WITH JOHN’S WIFE HEIDI

“John needs some help.  Maybe he needs an IPad or a Kindle, and he definitely needs a new phone. Will you help him?”

“Each of those devices has a different purpose, and some capabilities overlap.  What is he trying to do?”

“Well, he wants to search the Internet and his computer is old and slow.”

“So do you think he would be happy using a phone to search the Internet?  It’s a small screen, but it’s portable and convenient, and fast for searching the Internet, and of course you can make calls with it.  But if he’s also considering an IPad, and you’re even talking about a Kindle, this will get pricey!  Let’s try and isolate what he needs most and how he’ll use it.  Is his phone clear? Does it drop calls?”

“His phone is terrible.  It’s old fashioned, he can’t put names in it, and it has bad reception.  He loses calls all the time.”

“And what about the IPad or Kindle?  Where did those ideas come from?”

“My daughter has a Kindle and she showed me how to search the Internet with it.  I liked it and I may want one, too.”

“Well, you know, a Kindle is a type of book-reader.  Are you interested in reading books on it, and do you think John would be?”

“Yes, although John doesn’t read very much.  I really read more than he does.”

“Okay, then.  An IPad can be a book reader and can search the Internet and a lot more.  Did you or John ever use Skype?”

“Yes, and I’d like to have that.”

“Back to the smartphone… it does almost everything the IPad does, and can make face-to-face calls like Skype does as well as ear-to-ear calls.  And it can function as a book reader.  It’s much smaller, of course, but that makes it fit in your pocket.  I think you both need to think about one or the other as a major expense, then we’ll shop according to your budget.”

“Please call John and show him your phone.  That will get the ball rolling.”

“Okay.”

[NOW I STARTED THIS STORY BY TELLING YOU THAT “I FINALLY CONVINCED MY FRIEND JOHN TO BUY A PHONE,” WHICH ADMITTEDLY DOES NOT CORRELATE TO HOW THIS WHOLE THING STARTED… BUT HANG ON.  YOU’LL SEE HOW, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS IDEA WAS ORIGINALLY HEIDI’S, IT SOON BECAME MY MISSION].

SCENE TWO:  ON THE PHONE WITH JOHN

“Hi, John.  Heidi tells me you might be interested in a new phone, and maybe a Kindle.”

“I don’t need a new phone.”

“I thought she said you were having trouble with terrible reception, dropped calls…”

“There’s nothing wrong with my phone.  I get good reception.  It’s fine.”

“Well, she also talked about a Kindle, and how you might be thinking about how to search the Internet.”

“I have a computer.  It’s fine for the Internet.  What’s a Kindle?”

“It’s a device about the size of a small notebook that lets you download and read books electronically.”

“I don’t read much.”

“Maybe that’s because books are cumbersome and costly.  And Heidi thought you would like to be able to search the Internet from wherever you are.  A Kindle or even a smartphone could do that.  In fact, she even mentioned an IPad.  We could talk about that as an option.   I can show you mine and how many features it has.  Come over and we can discuss all these devices and what they do.”

“I’m not sure I want any of these.”

“Why don’t we start with the phone?  If yours is as old as Heidi describes, you probably qualify for an upgrade and a newer one would be cheap.”

[BINGO.  AUDIBLE VOICE INFLECTION.]

“Okay, I’ll be over.”

[CLEARLY MY COMPETITIVE JUICES HAD KICKED IN.  WHY ELSE WOULD I WANT SO BADLY FOR THIS MAN, WHO CHARACTERIZED HIS 15-YEAR-OLD COMPUTER AND 5-GENERATION-OLD FLIP PHONE AS “FINE,” TO DIVE INTO TECHNOLOGY THAT WOULD NO DOUBT PUZZLE HIM, SURELY FRUSTRATE HIM, LIKELY MAKE HIM A DAILY CALLER SEEKING MY HELP, AND POSSIBLY TURN THESE DEVICES INTO DUST-GATHERING TOKENS?  WAS I NOT SEEING THE DANGER OF ONE-STEP-FORWARD TURNING INTO TWO-STEPS-BACK?!]

SCENE THREE:  AT MY HOUSE

“Where do you want to start?”

“Let me see your Kindle.”

“Here it is.  See how light and convenient it is?  I can lie in bed on my side, read it and turn pages with one touch, and even change the font size if my eyes get tired.”

“What does it cost?”

“Well, this one is about $100 - $150 with a warranty and cover.  But it doesn’t search the Internet.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“Well of course you search the Internet, and it really is much more convenient to be able to do that at your fingertips, wherever you are.”

“What do I need to do that for?”

[WHAT NORMAL, LEVEL-HEADED PERSON WOULD GO ON?  JOHN REMEMBERS BLACK AND WHITE TV AND PARTY LINES.  THIS TALK WE’RE HAVING SOUNDS LIKE TECHNO-JARGON TO HIM.  I NEED TO STOP.]

“I don’t use this for the Internet… just to read books.  And without a cover or warranty, Amazon has a special for this Kindle at $79.”

[BINGO.  NOTICABLE EYE FLICKER.]

“Okay, buy me that and I’ll give you the money.  You can get me “Killing Lincoln.” 

[TIME FOR A HIGH-FIVE AND A WALK TO THE DOOR, RIGHT?  NOPE.  I’M NOT THAT SMART.]

“Why don’t we meet over at the Verizon store and see if you’re eligible for an upgrade.  We can look at the phones you’d be able to buy cheap.”

“Okay.”

[I REACH OUT TO DAN, JOHN’S SON, WHO IS ON BOARD BUT SKEPTICAL.  HE INSTALLED A ROUTER ON A RECENT VISIT THINKING THIS WOULD PAVE THE WAY FOR WIRELESS DEVICES, BUT JOHN INSISTED HE REMOVE IT BEFORE LEAVING. L]

SCENE FOUR: THE GUMSHOE AT THE VERIZON STORE TIPPING OFF NICE-GUY-SALESMAN NICK

“Hi, Nick, I am waiting for my friend John who is looking for a possible upgrade from a flip-phone.  He’s a bit resistant, but I’ve spoken to his wife and son and we all think he’d be convinced if he could see a smartphone and its features.  He’s an avid sports fan, a proud grandfather, and enjoys corresponding with his kids who live across the country, so the ESPN app, the camera and photo gallery, and email might really be selling features.  Here he comes now.”

“Hi, John.  This is Nick, who is ready to help us.  Nick, this is my friend John, and he is interested in a possible phone upgrade.”

[AFTER GETTING JOHN’S PHONE NUMBER, NICK INFORMS US THAT AN UPGRADE WON’T BE AVAILABLE FOR 10 DAYS.  ON THAT DATE, WE PROMISE TO RECONVENE, AND AS WE TURN TO LEAVE TOGETHER, JOHN HANDS HIS PHONE TO NICK.  I AM HOPEFUL AND EXCITED THAT HE MAY BE ASKING ABOUT WHAT A SWAP WOULD MEAN IN ADDED FEATURES, BENEFITS...]

“Nick, do me a favor.  Change a number in here for me.”

[I AM NOT SMART ENOUGH IN THIS MOMENT TO REALIZE THAT JOHN SEES THIS SALESMAN AS A SERVICE ASSOCIATE WHO CAN MORE READILY NAVIGATE THE TAP-TAP-TAP ALPHA NAME CHANGE FEATURE MADE FAMOUS IN 1990.  NO, I SEE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY.]

“Watch, John… I’m changing the same number on my phone.  Here. See how easy it is compared to what Nick is doing?”

[EACH WAS EQUALLY EASY FOR JOHN.  HE WAS WATCHING.  DID I REMEMBER THAT I HAD ENTERED MANY OF THOSE TAP-TAP CONTACTS INTO HIS PHONE?  DID I SURMISE THAT HE HAD PROBABLY NEVER ENTERED A TAP-TAP CONTACT INTO HIS OWN PHONE IN THE PAST, AND NEVER INTENDED TO IN THE FUTURE, SO THIS “IMPROVED FEATURE” DEMONSTRATION WAS PURE FOLLY?  NAY, NAY.  IF THERE ARE STAGES TO THE PROCESS OF PHONE TRANSFORMATION, I WAS IN ‘DENIAL.’  AS WE WALK OUT, I AM HOLDING UP MY PHONE AND LEADING JOHN TO THE COFFEE SHOP ACROSS THE PARKING LOT.]

“Let’s go over for a coffee and look at my IPhone.  See?  It’s not much bigger than your phone, and it is much easier to use.  I’ll show you what it can do.”

SCENE FIVE:  GUMSHOE WORKING AROUND TWO COFFEES AT LA BOU TO ILLUSTRATE IPHONE FEATURES

“Let’s start with calling.  Say you want to call Dan.  Here’s how easy it is.  See?  His contact information is complete and even has his picture.  And if he calls you his picture appears, and even a personalized ringtone you can set to recognize that he’s the one calling.” 

“I don’t have any of that now.  Why would I need it?”

“Okay, what if you and Dan are discussing a recent football trade… something that just happened.  See how you can go into the ESPN app…”

“The ESPN what?”

“App.  Application.  The place on your phone where you tap to get into the ESPN website.  See? ‘ESPN MOBILE?’ You will have instant information about a trade that’s happening right now.”

“I don’t care about that.  I have the paper.  I read it every day and that’s how I get my sports news.  I have TV at home and radio in my car for updates.”

“Well, here’s something you don’t have now.  Email on your phone.  Here’s how quickly I can check my emails and reply to any that are important.”

“I don’t get important emails.  I can check them at home.”

“I’ll bet you can’t do this, though.  I bet you can’t carry with you a picture of your granddaughter Zoey that Dan just sent like I can!”

[BINGO.  APPARENT HEART FLUTTER. OBVIOUS NECK CRANING].

“I don’t have that picture.”

“It’s probably on your computer at home.  Or maybe coming in the mail.”

“When did that guy say I could come back for an upgrade?”

[WE DID MEET ON THE VERY DATE OF JOHN’S UPGRADE, AND THE REST IS REALLY HISTORY.  IF A FEW OTHER THINGS HAD NOT HAPPENED, THIS STORY WOULD HAVE SURELY BEEN TITLED “ZOEY SELLS GRANDPA A SMARTPHONE.’

BUT A FEW MORE DETAILS ARE IN ORDER.  I BOUGHT JOHN THE KINDLE, HANDED IT TO HIM FULLY CHARGED WITH RIGHT-SIZED FONT AND “KILLING LINCOLN,” AS REQUESTED. HE HAD ONLY A FEW ISSUES, WHICH I DEMONSTRATED AWAY.  ON THE ACTUAL PHONE UPGRADE DATE THERE WERE NO $29.95 PHONES IN STOCK, BUT JOHN DID NOT RETHINK HIS DECISION.  ALL POSITIVE.  ONE WAS ORDERED FOR DELIVERY THE NEXT DAY, AND WE ARRANGED TO MEET AGAIN FOR THE PURCHASE.  WHEN IT ARRIVED, JOHN CALLED ME.  JOHN HAD JUST BOUGHT A NEW CAR (LOTS OF CHANGES, RIGHT?) SO I ASKED IF IT HAD BLUETOOTH CAPABILITY.  HE DIDN’T THINK SO.  IT WAS LATE-MODEL, SO I ASSUMED IT DID.  WE’D FIND OUT, I TOLD HIM].

SCENE SIX:  AT THE VERIZON STORE WITH LOVELY SALEPERSON NICOLE

“Hi, Nicole.  John is making the big jump today and I’m really excited for him.”

“Me, too.  John, you’re going to love your smartphone.  I’m transferring all your data from your old phone and we’ll get you set up in a few minutes.”

“Does this phone have Bluetooth?”

“Yes, and I’ll be glad to go to your car and set it up.”

[JOHN] “I’m glad you two know what you’re talking about.”

“You’ll be able to talk on the phone hands-free while you’re driving.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“What do you do when you get a call while you’re driving?”

“I pull over and call back.”

[IT TURNED OUT THAT JOHN’S NEW CAR DID NOT HAVE BLUETOOTH CAPABILITY.  AS THE 3 OF US SAT IN THE CABIN AND NICOLE SEARCHED THE MANUAL TO BE SURE, I, INTREPID GUNSHOE, SUGGESTED A BRACKET AND MICROPHONE FOR THE CABIN SO HE COULD STILL EASILY TAKE AND MAKE CALLS HANDS-FREE].    

“Truthfully, I wouldn’t make or take a phone call while I’m driving.”

[OKAY, I GAVE IN.  HE HAD HIS NEW PHONE, AND AFTER WE SAID GOODBYE TO NICOLE WE SPENT A FEW MINUTES ON THE CRITICAL FEATURES, WITH A PROMISE TO RECONVENE TO PERSONALIZE CONTACTS, ETC.  I FELT A MILD WAVE OF SUCCESS, AND DROVE HOME SMILING].

[BUT WAIT… THAT IS NOT THE BEST PART OF THE STORY, AND IT NEITHER EXPLAINS THE TITLE NOR THE REAL REASON FOR MY SMILE].

BACK TO SCENE SIX:  AT THE VERIZON STORE AS NICOLE COMPLETED THE DATA TRANSFER 

“Well, John, you’re going to love taking pictures with your new phone.”

“I wouldn’t use my phone to take pictures.”

“Well, you have in the past.”

“I don’t take pictures with my phone.”

“You have 252 pictures on this phone!”

“I do?  I never took them.  I don’t even know how to take them.  What are they pictures of?”

“That’s coming up now…

They are loading…

They all look the same…

Oops.

I think I see what happened.

They are 252 pictures of the inside of your pocket.”

[I CAN’T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT THE IPAD!]