ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE

 

 

Recently I published “Perspective,” a blogpost honoring women who made the courageous choice, months ago or even decades ago, to end their marriages in part, and often in large part, because they felt their children would not be raised to their fullest potential with the father she had chosen for them.

 

Today I want to offer yet another perspective for your consideration… that of the brave men in similar situations. I know many of these men, and I’m sure you do too. Some saved their child-to-be from a life-ending procedure and accepted 100% parenting duties for life. These are the soccer coach dads who want to ensure their little girl’s safety and athletic progress. Others stay in marriages which might have been easier to end, because the children and the family would suffer financially, emotionally, or both, in their absence. They work all day and fly home to ensure the household works all night… homework done, PTO meeting attended, and pizza party organized. And then there are the men who stepped up and married the woman with whom they had fallen in love, willingly and lovingly enveloping into that new family unit her children left behind by a former spouse. They can be seen on a Friday afternoon consoling a child with suitcase packed when biological dad calls with another excuse as to why he’s canceling the weekend together.

 

These men must stand shoulder to shoulder with the other parents (mostly Moms) at the bakery sales and Christmas fairs and choir practices. They must make decisions that blending family’s face every day with equal consideration of their own biological children, and those they have inherited through a loving marriage. They accept responsibility without complaint, and deserve our respect and admiration.

 

So what is our perspective when we meet these men? Do we feel awkward not knowing how to approach them? Do we struggle to arrange activities in which they can feel comfortable? Or is our perspective such that we cannot integrate them into our social paradigm?

 

When I think of the sacrifice and the character that each of these men exhibits, I pray that we can at least show the same virtues, and be sure to seek them out, acknowledge their importance in our society, and love them for the men they have chosen to be. For it is their example that sets the tone for young boys who will become the fathers of tomorrow. And our world is in desperate need of their bravery and valor.

 

 

I’M TORQUING ABOUT FUN

 

How many people do you know who follow the Benjamin Button formula of being born old and getting progressively younger with each passing year?  Well, you’re meeting one now.

 

I’m 73 and just purchased my first Jeep Wrangler!  Yes, I have to climb in and when I get out it’s more like a dismount (Again, it’s a Wrangler!)  The seats adjust manually (what?) and the rear wheels can either spin independently or in tandem thanks to a Dana M200 Rear Axle and brake actuated limited slip differential. If you think that feature can get you out of a jam, you know more than I knew going into this deal.

 

So what makes a retired finance type buy a vehicle intended or at least capable of off-roading?

 

I guess it’s a little late for a “second childhood,” or a “mid-life crisis.”

 

I think it’s really the fact that I got to drive a Jeep rental for a couple of weeks and caught that virus thing they call “Fahrvergnugen.” It translates to “Driving Pleasure.” Of course, since Volkswagen first made this term popular in commercials in 1990, it should be obvious that my familiarity with it categorizes me as officially too old to enjoy it!

 

Jeep Wrangler owners love to wax poetic about torque and towing, horsepower and hauling capacity, skid plates and trailer sway control.  Me? I like the all-around visibility provided by this body shape which is essentially a rolling cube that is taller than other vehicles… kind of like a windowed box.  It has heated seats, phone and entertainment system controls on the heated steering wheel, and a colorful easy-to-use touchscreen.  It has a fun convertible top with a cool sack to hold it that they call a “Freedom Panel Storage Bag.”  And I love that… calling the removal of your roof “Freedom” and the roof itself a “Freedom Panel!”  These comfort features, not typically lauded by Jeep owners, are what I enjoy knowing I have.  I want to have a fun ride without the hard parts.  To own a Wrangler without too much Wrangling.  And when I use my adaptive cruise control while passing a car full of teenage gawkers, I’ll imagine they’re not saying “look at that grey-haired old lady driving her grandkid’s Jeep!” but rather “how wonderful to see vitality and adventure in more mature folks!”

 

So if you live in Northern California, watch for me on the roads.  Notice I didn’t say “off the roads.”  I’ll know my roll bars are there for me, but they can really relax.  I’m not rolling.

PERSPECTIVE

 

I know several women who have ended their marriages in part, and often in large part, because each felt her children would not be raised to their fullest potential with the father she had chosen for them. I’ll bet you do, too. And I’d imagine you hurt for them in their regret at having had to end their marriages, as I do. Often that regret is because from their perspective they failed their marriages, or failed their children by not creating a loving forever family and an idyllic home.

 

But consider this perspective… that of the sacrifice they each made when leaving the security of a life they knew to ensure the safety and well-being of her children. I believe the standards to which women hold themselves become unrealized when the spouse to whom they are yoked is not equally committed to their children’s well-being. As these women realize they must begin to compromise their standards, they know that means their dreams and their expectations for their children’s well-being will also be compromised. And so they courageously and selflessly give up security and even safety to protect their children’s futures. Sometimes they are shunned by family, or friends, or their faith community. Often they are riddled with a guilt that affects them almost as deeply as their unhappiness in their marriage. Yet they persevere and protect and provide… for their children.

 

You know these women, as I know these women. They are carrying guilt in their 30s and 40s, and they are still compensating in their 50s and 60s. They will not even date a man who will not love and nurture their children, and will not remarry until their children give their consent.

 

Where does this pattern of sacrifice come from? I believe it comes from the essence of her womanhood as the key participant in the creative process. Our Creator carefully crafted a woman to bring the very future of our species to life, not only in her physical complementarity to her male partner, but in her nurturing soul. She is intended to be the forever parent who will sacrifice her very life so that child in her womb will enter the world and prosper. Almost as God’s homage to her steadfastness, she actually carries her child’s own DNA as long as she lives. Her focus is intuitively geared toward her child’s safety and security, growth and formation, and health and happiness, every day of her life.

 

Let’s think of these brave women who have done all this without a father present, and let’s consider the stigma too often levied upon them, from the standpoint of perspective.

 

First, from their perspective they failed their children because they could not make a perfect home. But would our Father, their Creator, take that perspective? Would He risk the future of one of His precious children to a parent not willing or capable to properly accept the responsibility of raising that child up in a faithful, loving manner?

 

Let’s consider how our loving God tested Abraham, as every woman is tested in marriage, to love God above all else. But that loving Father forgave Abraham’s vow of obedience to spare the loss of Abraham’s son. Can we see that same loving God forgiving the woman’s vow of obedience when she won’t sacrifice her child’s future?

 

I think a slight change in our perspective can offer clarity and truth in so many situations. And many times these newfound viewpoints are simple but satisfying. But the change in perspective we can offer to that courageous, single-focused mother who made what she probably considers the toughest decision of her life 10, 20, or even 40 or 50 years ago, can be life-changing for her.

 

Isn’t it worth considering reaching out to one of those women and telling her you know how brave she is, and that you love her for the strength she showed for her children’s sake? In articulating your change of perspective, you can her change her perspective of herself.

 

How empowering would that be?!

INEXHAUSTIBLE GOD

 

In a recent episode of Abiding Together, a Christian podcast I enjoy for its practical and relatable content, Sr Miriam James posed the following: “Cultivate and control are very different.”  The subject being discussed was the cultivation of peace.  Her thesis was that in seeking peace we can easily revert to trying to control the situation we may feel is chaotic, or just plain unmanageable. And our striving to control most often yields little but personal exhaustion, because problems and challenges are the avenues through which we need to navigate to strengthen our faith, and to deepen our relationship with God.

 

Then she shared a quote from Fr. Jacques Philippe that made sense to me, and I wonder if you agree and relate:

 

“Peace does not come from an absence of problems but from the presence of God.”

 

At the core of most experiences wherein we know that God is abiding with us, we are at peace.  We feel a sense of true serenity, and are energized by our momentum as we are encouraged by His Spirit. Alternatively, and totally in contrast, is the experience of assessing a chaotic or unmanageable situation and trying to control it without prayer and thus without God, which tires and depletes and leaves us exhausted and defeated.

 

But, as another of the podcast hosts, Michelle Benzinger added, “Lord, I am exhausted. But you’re an inexhaustible God. You will revive me and you will help cultivate this peace that I need that surpasses all understanding.”

 

There is no doubt that we serve an inexhaustible God.  

When we feel broken, or lost, or confused… He is there.

When we cannot face the next moment… He is there.

When we cannot discern the next right thing… He is there.

 

Can you remember being at your wit’s end trying to resolve an important issue in your life, and praying in supplication to God for an answer?  And even if the answer was not one you would have chosen, do you remember still feeling at peace that you had an answer?

 

That, in my view, is peace.  Finding a resolution around which you can rally.  Internalizing an answer that resonates.  Catching a glimpse of a better tomorrow based on a small (or large) epiphany.  

 

Peace is one of the most sought-after, yet most elusive, goals in life.  Yet without God as a reconciler and a redeemer, we are literally on our own to find it.

 

What is your experience with creating peace in your life?  Does it seem fleeting?  Is its value worth the effort?  Can you sustain it when the next wave of chaos comes? Or do you, too, need our inexhaustible God to bring an inextinguishable peace?

 

I’ll conclude with the words of Andrew Murray, early 20th century South African Christian Pastor, on Patience in Times of Trial:

 

In these moments of trial, I will have four resolutions:

 

1. God has brought me here. Whether it’s the pit, the prison, or the palace, He has brought me here. By His will, I am in this place, and in that fact. I will rest.
2. He will keep me here in His love, and He will give me grace to behave as His child.
3. Then He will make this trial a blessing, teaching me lessons He intends for me to learn.
4. In His good time, He will bring me out again, how and when only He knows.

 

And so my prayer, cultivating peace in full clarity of any trial we may be facing, is this:

 

I am here,

by God’s appointment,

in his keeping,

under his training,

and for his timing.

 

May each of us cultivate and find peace in every trial, every day.

CLARITY. PURPOSE. PEACE.

 

We all age differently. But we all are journeying to the same destination.

 

Whether we feel 39, whether we act like teenagers, and even if we sometimes default to silliness over substance, we all face a reckoning that jars and jolts us back to the place on the timeline where we belong.

 

That’s not to say we can’t enjoy youthfulness and its fantastical attractions… clothing, makeup, manicures, pedicures, beauty enhancements from our eyelashes and eyebrows to our ankles and heels.

 

But the face we fix must face reality. The heel we loofah must heel to time. The spanks we inhale into will be peeled off to give way to an exhaled shape.

 

What, then, will the mirror tell us?

 

If we walk in faith, we know we are created in the image of God and are chosen to imitate His incarnate Son. We are eternity-minded; we seek the Kingdom here on earth. We remain humble and find joy in simple things.

 

Our interior life can sustain us, and buoy our very existence, when we turn away from the material and seek what matters. Finding clarity. Finding purpose. And with those two beacons of certainty, finding peace.

 

Each of us is born into a family of origin, living within its context which sets the tone for our lives. Our values and the virtues we learn to seek are laid out in the dynamic of the household in which we are raised. We are formed in faith, or seek some deity or set of life principles which we follow obediently but often unknowingly.

 

When we arrive at adulthood, we launch ourselves into a sphere more of our own making. Perhaps family retains importance and either geographic or emotional closeness, but we are informed by the circles in which we travel… our work associates, our play partners, and our fellowship of believers who share our faith walk, whatever that turns out to be. Relationships blossom - some even last forever.

 

We may start and build our own family. New priorities, new goals and aspirations form our minds and command time and treasure. We raise our own family and inform the next generation’s path.

 

Then we age through to become the older ones. The wiser ones. We must find ourselves again. Looking at our last chapter becomes a practice of reflection and contemplation, asking questions of ourselves. How do I reconcile where I am today with where my 39-year old self thought I would be? What legacy will I leave behind? What bucket list items can I still do? Where is my heart today?

 

Now life’s reckoning truly comes into perspective. We all seem to find that as we synthesize the times that came before today and try to crystallize what we want the times ahead to look like, three important pillars form in our minds as objective truths worth seeking: We want clarity. We want purpose. And we want peace.

 

Clarity might mean asserting our presence while forming honest boundaries in relationships. Purpose likely follows our heart’s desire for meaningful moments that we might be able to stretch into hours or even days. And peace… how do we even describe its absolute necessity at this stage of life? Amidst the drama, the chaos, and the pettiness of everyday happenings, we find we can only function if peace is our watchword.

 

Let us all, together, shed the expectations life may have placed upon us, and consider this time earnestly. We have a window of opportunity to get this right. And we have the time and treasure to make a difference.

 

How do you see this next chapter of your life? Are yours the same 3 pillars as mine?

If so, I wish you clarity of the most brilliant kind, purpose that sets your heart on fire, and peace deep within your heart, always.

 

JOY CAN BE FOUND WHEN YOUR TIME AND TREASURE FOLLOW YOUR HEART

 

I wonder if you agree with me when I say that as we age, we appreciate more and more that the principle of sacrifice which we followed in our early lives is paying great dividends today.  For instance, when we were young and starting out, those early paychecks seemed like lots of money, and we could easily make choices to save for rainy days, or contribute to retirement savings plans.  After all, compared to what we were “earning” that paycheck amount was like a windfall! We had been used to pocket change through parental support from allowances and from small jobs like babysitting or paper routes (or in my native New England, snow shoveling). I’m so grateful when I look back and remember the discipline I had then, and I credit my parents for encouraging it.

 

Now that I am at the age where I must take mandatory withdrawals of retirement savings every month, it’s such fun! It feels like taking flight, and to further the analogy, such a departure from how utilitarian I must have seemed about spending money (particularly on myself) in what I now call my past life.

 

But like the character in Aesop’s Fable The Miser and His Gold, I realize that spending money on others as well as myself is essential to happiness.  And like my Aunt Alice (of happy memory) used to say, “I hope they have as much fun spending it as I had making it!” 

 

When we think about the best times of our lives, they were rarely spent alone.  And doesn’t finding like-minded loved ones interested in enjoying life together make planning and expenditure so much richer?

 

When we encounter those in a season of their lives who could legitimately use a helping hand and we are able to assist in some way, whose cup is actually filled more… ours or theirs?

 

When we look forward to a time and place where we’re sure wonderful memories will be made, don’t we picture our heart’s desire met and fulfilled not just because of the money we will spend, but because we will so enjoy the experience?

 

In the parable of the Rich Fool found in the 12^th chapter of the gospel of Luke, we read an important question asked by a man already rich: “Teacher, tell my brother to share his inheritance with me.” 

And the Lord’s answer comes in the form of an admonition: “Take care to guard against all greed. For though one may be rich, one’s life does not consist of possessions.”

 

Our earthly life is short, limited, and fleeting.  At any time we can be called to eternity.  At that moment, the rich harvest we wish to yield before God is weighed, and the faith with which we lived will be judged. How did we use our material goods? Our time? Our talent? Our treasure? Did our faith inform our lives?

 

Were we rich in love and fellowship, attentive to those less fortunate?  Did we focus externally on using the goods of this world for the glory of God, with a sense of stewardship and detachment?  Did we live in gratitude for all we were given?  Or did we amass wealth, feeling it was never enough, making use of it to indulge in a life of excess? 

 

We don’t live forever. We can save, even hoard.  We can focus on doing rather than on being.  But if we are eternity-minded, the illusion of doing more so we can have more dissolves into nothing when we hear the words spoken by the Lord to the Rich Fool - “The things you have prepared… to whom will they belong?”

We need to be on guard, only seeking the things of the world while reflectively paying close attention to what is really important.  A prosperous, materialistic society can be its own end, and the means to that end can become our life’s journey. We need always to balance the pursuit of larger homes, bigger cars, more stuff, and an excess of pleasure against the intentional sacrifice for others. Our value is not determined by what we own, but how we use what we have been given.  With a properly-ordered foundation, however, with a richness in faith and charity, we will have used the gifts we have been given… health, friendship, the power to find and bring joy… as pilgrims on an earthly journey employing and using worldly goods as a means to attain the goal for which we were made… eternity in heaven.

 

I have always felt fulfilled allowing the love that fills my heart to guide where I spend my time and treasure.  Knowing many of you as I do, and learning from your example, I know you find that same sense of fulfilment.  Our friend Matthew, quoting Jesus his 6^th chapter, concurs:

 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and decay destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven… For where your treasure is, there also your heart will be.”

FOR THE FIRST TIME...

 He was young and energetic.  From his first political gambit he electrified listeners.  He was unabashedly Christian, fiercely patriotic, and unafraid of spirited debate. And we lost him to an assassin....  a coward crawling out of a patchwork of delusion with a weapon, skulking into history behind a rifle scope that ended the dreams of a generation inspired by youthful enthusiasm and the promise of a better tomorrow.  He left behind a little girl and a little boy, and a wife who witnessed firsthand his last breath.  And a nation was haunted, and changed, forever.

 

We called him JFK.  He was a Kennedy, the proud son of a family steeped in tradition, and in the love of God and country.  And when he was cut down by a bullet, for the first time, I felt the confusion of senseless violence.

 

Tonight I went to a football game and watched highschoolers celebrate the United States of America, and the first responders who protect us. But it wasn’t just any night. Many were dressed patriotically for the event, and there was a different vibe on and off the field, on the other side of another horrific event that affected us as a nation.

 

Charlie Kirk had been assassinated and these high school students had experienced their first national horror. He was young and energetic.  From his first political gambit he electrified listeners.  He was unabashedly Christian, fiercely patriotic, and unafraid of spirited debate. And we lost him to an assassin....  a coward crawling out of a patchwork of delusion with a weapon, skulking into history behind a rifle scope that ended the dreams of a generation inspired by youthful enthusiasm and the promise of a better tomorrow.  He left behind a little girl and a little boy, and a wife who witnessed firsthand his last breath.  And our nation seems once again haunted, and changed, forever.

 

These kids weren’t alive for 9/11. They certainly don’t remember the assassinations of JFK or MLK or RFK. So I am reflecting on the first time I faced some of those emotions, and I know how I felt. Because although that was over four decades ago, I can still feel the sense of loss and confusion.

 

Seeing the world through the eyes of a young person is like time traveling. Hopes and dreams and emotions swirl.  We want so much more for this new generation of Americans. And so much less. So much more to hope for and dream about. So much less to be fearful of and hesitant about.  So much more truth.  So much less delusion.

 

Today’s global landscape is a kaleidoscope of diversity and so much more open than the world in which I grew up. Open to new ideas. Carrying the capability of global communication at the touch of a keystroke. Kids today are intelligent, blessed with material possessions and access to information, and replete with the altruism endemic to youth.  I can only hope that these youngsters reflecting on this tragedy, the scope of which they are encountering for the first time, will try and find different ways to resolve differences. I pray they will see violence and war and hatred and vitriol for exactly the evil they are.

 

Because I’m acutely aware from personal experience that the first time will not be the last time.