STORYTELLING

 

The purpose of a storyteller

is not to tell you how to think,

but to give you questions

to think upon.

-Brandon Sanderson

 

 

 

 

“Store.” 

It’s the root of story, right?  And when we root out our fears, our presumptions, and our judgements, we find our true story… our own store of truth, right? We chronicle our past as it meets our present, and we do it with honesty and authenticity.

 

“Re- Store.”

Re-rooting?  Finding that interior space where our truth lies waiting… patiently waiting for us to cast away the impediments that separate us from our store, our story. We project our future as it casts off from our present, committed to holding on to that same honesty and authenticity.

 

I think we often face difficulties in finding and holding onto our own story in these complicated times, but we have as models the balladeers of medieval times all the way to the bloggers of today.  They remind us that storytellers create, communicate, and captivate. They help us find that space that holds our own story.  They guide us to explore right to the heart of our heart and the substance of our soul.  And when we find the store of our story, we restore the fragments worth carrying into our future, separating them from those best left in our past.

 

Restoration never comes of our own making. Admitting that is often hard. But look back. How many times have you been able to turn yourself around, or get yourself reset, without the encouragement of a guide?  Sometimes we find ourselves in a spiritual void and yearn for a word from a holy text, an inspirational song, or a pithy quote. And every one of those messages that carries our hearts and souls back from the brink is a relatable, resonate story.  I contend that it is our storytellers who are the most accessible messengers of those guiding words… put to prose, or poetry, or music.   

 

As Mr. Sanderson says in our opening quote, for the storyteller that sees and lives his true purpose, the result is not that we are told how to think, but that we are gifted with questions to think about… to bring us to a place of presence where we can root out our unfettered truths.  And in that place we breathe freely, we reconnect, and we restore.

 

My friend Michael has been doing this, quite brilliantly, in a series of messages sent out on Monday Mornings for over a decade. And now, as his 4-Volume set of these curated messages (yes, it’s called Monday Mornings) is in the hands of many readers of this blog, we are all coming to see just what being in the presence of a real Storyteller means.  It means laughing, and crying, and seeing ourselves through his words.  It means finding our story in his.  And in allowing him to root out the truths to which we can relate, he helps us find our own paths to our interior selves.

 

My prayer for 2022 is that our stories will be better, because we will be wiser.  My hope is that for those who have felt disconnected, from others or (more likely) from your inner self and your own story, you will pick up that gift from your favorite Storyteller.  You may just find yourself happier. You may just find yourself more complete.  And if you find the right Storyteller… honestly… you may just find yourself.

 

I send you off into this brand spanking new year with a message from an anonymous author.  I couldn’t have said it better myself!

 

 

As the dawn breaks on a new year,

let us give thanks for all we hold dear:

our health, our family and our friends.

 

Let us release our grudges, our anger and our pains,

for these are nothing but binding chains.

Let us live each day in the most loving way…

the God-conscious way.

Let us serve all who are in need,

regardless of race, color or creed.

 

Let us keep God of our own understanding in our hearts

and chant God’s name each day.

Let us lead the world from darkness to light,

from falsehood to truth,

and from wrong to right.

 

Let us remember that we are all one,

embracing all,

discriminating against none.

 

May your year be filled

with peace, prosperity and love.

May God’s blessing shower upon each of you

and bestow upon you

a bright, healthy and peaceful new year.

 

THE TWELVE STEPS OF PROGRAM

 

THE TWELVE STEPS OF PROGRAM

(Sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” 

 

On the First Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Second Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Third Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Fourth Step of Program my conscience said to me:

”Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Fifth Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Sixth Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Be ready to have God remove all character defects,

ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Seventh Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings,

Be ready to have God remove all character defects,

ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Eighth Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Make a list of amends,

Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings,

Be ready to have God remove all character defects,

ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Ninth Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Make amends where possible,

Make a list of amends,

Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings,

Be ready to have God remove all character defects,

ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Tenth Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Continue to admit when you’re wrong,

Make amends where possible,

Make a list of amends,

Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings,

Be ready to have God remove all character defects,

ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Eleventh Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Keep in touch with God,

Continue to admit when you’re wrong,

Make amends where possible,

Make a list of amends,

Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings,

Be ready to have God remove all character defects,

ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

 

On the Twelfth Step of Program my conscience said to me:

“Carry this message to others,

Keep in touch with God,

Continue to admit when you’re wrong,

Make amends where possible,

Make a list of amends,

Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings,

Be ready to have God remove all character defects,

ADMIT ALL YOUR WRONGS!

Make a searching moral inventory,

Turn your will and life over,

A Higher Power leads to sanity, so

Admit that you’re powerless – then you’re free!”

HOW TO TREAT YOUR PROGRAM FAMILY

My friend and author Michael Fox recently published a book, The Tribe of Christ, in which he addresses the topic of brotherly kindness.  Upon reading the following passages, my mind leaped to how we might always want to treat each other in our Program Family.  I'll leave the specific connections up to each of you.

I hope this message will help you as much as it is helping me.  Because Michael uses the term “God,” I have not altered his passages to add “Higher Power.” It is my hope that you will employ any substitutionary device you may desire.  Whether we come to Program seeking our Higher Power or denying that such a power exists, most of us can attest to the fact that experience brings us to one singular eventuality, summarized this way:

There is a God [Higher Power], and it is not me.

For those of us who deem our character defects to include co-dependency, or enabling, this section is a treasure-trove of messages.  Notice that the two parties to an interpersonal transaction are called “redeemer” (a much kinder moniker than enabler!) and “recipient” or “receiver” (referencing the one whom we are enabling).

Here, Michael refers to the tendencies we have within the context of familial love to “help.”  But, as a cautionary tale, we come to realize as we read on that “help is not always helpful.” 

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer works harder than the recip­ient on the recipient’s behalf. It’s the essential difference between en­abling and empowering.

Help is not helpful… when the recipient, developing a sense of entitle­ment, moves from a place of gratitude to a place of expectation.

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer looks upon people as prob­lems to be solved.

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer, or another, minimizes the receiver’s experience or feelings.

Help is not helpful… when a recipient continues to focus on being rescued from immediate threats rather than seeking long-term recon­ciliation.

Help is not helpful… if the recipient cannot answer, “Yes!” to [the] question, “Do you want to be healed?” a redeemer can help a recipient to stand… a redeemer can walk alongside a recipient. But, a redeemer cannot walk for the recipient. A redeemer must invite a recipient to grow into maturity and responsibility.

Help is not helpful… when redeemers project their own needs on re­ceivers. Some redeemers use helping, even inadvertently, to satisfy their own desire to be loved; others use helping from a place of pride, think­ing, “I am the person to help”; still others use helping as a tool to control or shape the thoughts and behavior of the recipient.

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer becomes intrusive or manip­ulative in the life of the recipient.

Help is not helpful… when the recipient disappoints the redeemer’s unspoken expectations of where the recipient should be and what the recipient should be doing. This disappointment can lead to resentment and anger in both the redeemer and the recipient.

Help is not helpful… when a redeemer, either inadvertently or inten­tionally, encourages a receiver to maintain identity as a victim. Redeem­ers can be slow to release their grip on recipients; for when the recipient

changes, the redeemer must necessarily change. Sometimes there is work redeemers need to do in their own lives which is obscured by their help­fulness.

Help is not helpful… when a redeemer cannot show a recipient what to do with their pain. Author Richard Rohr observes, “All healthy religion shows you what to do with your pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it. Rohr believes, “Mature religion is about transforming history and individuals so that we don’t keep hand­ing the pain on to the next generation.”

Help is not helpful… when a receiver never grows into a redeemer, when receivers aren’t taught that they been blessed to become a blessing. This knowing is the way the kingdom of God grows.

Help is not helpful… when recipients develop a dependence on the re­deemer rather than deepen a trust in the movement of God in their lives.

In all our Program work, we can grow only to the extent that we reach higher, or deeper, for understanding.  In that spirit, may this message hold keys that resonate for each and every one of you.

LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN

As a baseball fan, I find two things that tug at my heart: rally caps and comebacks.  They are often linked, as rabid fans turn their caps inside out as their hometown team’s score falls behind, they are running out of innings, and a loss is imminent.  Of course it’s a superstition, but everybody loves a comeback – especially when our team seems to be playing at a competitive disadvantage.

Now we flip over to real-life considerations.  For many of the hurdles we face in day-to-day living, there are unfortunately no rally caps.  Comebacks from setbacks which seem unlikely may lead to feelings of defeat and resignation.

Have we ever considered that perhaps these are just the circumstances that call for the metaphorical rally cap?!

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

-The Beekeeper’s Promise by Fiona Valpy

Life is about staying true to what really matters: to love, to loyalty, and to living your life as it’s meant to be lived.  When we are overshadowed by black clouds threatening our personal, professional, health, or emotional plans and threaten to knock us off our chosen path, do we just run for cover?  Or do we try, even if it seems futile, to dance in the rain?

Your life’s best story is a story of ordinary, everyday courage... a story about the determination to stay true to yourself through the darkest times so that when, at last, you cross back to safety you can find your voice again and live your life free from fear. After all, it is about the resilience of the human spirit.

“In the midst of winter, I found that there was within me an invincible summer.

-Retour a Tipasa by Albert Camus

Another weather metaphor… or better said, a “whether” metaphor.  But where do we find that invincible summer?  Do we store the sunshine of the good times to bring it out on demand as clouds form, temperatures drop, skies darken, and we need shelter?  How is that possible?

In my view, resiliency is not so much a character trait as a confidence born of several other character traits, such as humility to depend on others, flexibility to develop or alter strategies, and a belief system in a Higher Power.  The rally cap of the resilient person is the call to partnership with other sources and resources… and the strength from those partners gives us respite, relief, and time to recalibrate.  Granted, the game plan may need to change, but staying the course when we are flailing makes no sense and usually results in a loss. 

If you find yourself at a point in your life where, for reasons which may range from exaggerated self-reliance to lack of confidence in others, you may have neglected other sources of support which may still be readily available.  I urge you to build back that support system by rekindling worthwhile relationships and walking away from those which are toxic.  Strengthen your interior life by assessing your personal value system or faith life.  Practice being flexible by saying “yes” as often as possible.  You will ready yourself for another’s call for help… and answering that call will come easily because you’ve been listening for the rally cry and scanning your crowd for the rally cap. 

Your life has a chance, through this simple exercise, to take on a dimension you have never imagined.  Be ready for joy-filled gatherings, meaningful conversations, and storing up the good graces of those for whom you have shown up, and who will be ready to show up for you.

And oh, Dance in the rain.  I mean it… the next time it rains, go out with intentionality and dance in it.  Splash a puddle.  Get your clothes wet.  Open your mouth and let your tongue feel the drops.  Open your mind to an experience you’d normally have avoided.  You’ll find that whether it’s weather or resistance to resilience, avoiding avoidance may turn your impossibilities into possibilities, and your lonely self-reliance into shared reliance on willing supporters.  I’ll be rooting for you… I’ll even have my rally cap on.

THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

I recently received a thoughtful note from a woman of great fortitude who is seeking answers for parts of her past life that troubled her:

“My symptoms are the tip of the iceberg I obviously didn't know I've been dragging around all my life.”

I found her comments both visually stimulating and relatable. After thoughtful consideration I responded, and then thought I’d love to share our exchange as a springboard for your consideration and comment:

“This stage of our lives, while we still have energy and vitality but are not so consumed with work, allows us time for reflection back on who we’ve become... and forward on who we really aspire to be.

A great woman of psychology once told me to bear out all relationships (including the one with ourselves) with the mantra:

‘No blame, no shame, no right, no wrong, no guilt.’

Try it on for size and see if it fits. I’ve found it both forgiving and inspirational!”

Have you had times in your life, perhaps this time in your life, when looking back at what seemed like one issue evolves into the realization of many issues? In facing them, do you feel an unraveling of your former self? Do you question the values which may have changed, ever so slightly each year, but on a broad scale in the aggregate, throughout that period of time? When you compare the values you hold as real and present today to the values you may have held at that time, what do you feel?

I welcome your thoughtful engagement. And remember to give yourself (and others) permission within the broad framework:

‘No blame, no shame, no right, no wrong, no guilt.’

Happy reflection!

TO BEAR, TO HOLD, TO HARBOR

There’s a memorable line in the movie The Little Mermaid, uttered in self-deprecation by the character Sebastian the Crab. When asked who was responsible for the chaos that surrounded him, Sebastian responded pitifully “I blame myself.”

Sebastian has something there. So many of the instances of disagreement, disorder, and yes, chaos in our own lives can be traced to our admission “I blame myself.”

I’m thinking specifically of the three areas of ill will, grudges, and resentment. Our own lexicon of word usage points the pincer of blame right back at ourselves in absolute Sebastian-like fashion.

We bear ill will.

We hold grudges.

We harbor resentment.

We are the cause of the lasting disorder when we bear ill will.

We are the reason for perpetuating the disagreement when we hold a grudge.

And yes, we are the root of the chaos when we harbor resentment.

We can invert the situation to see how quickly the negative can become positive.

Drop the ill will... stop the lasting disorder.

Let go of the grudge... end the disagreement.

Nip the resentment, kill the chaos.

Perhaps a visual image of Sebastian can be brought to mind each time we even think about the silliness of bearing ill will, holding a grudge, or harboring resentment. Why would we expend energy by making a choice that not only brings on negativity, but perpetuates it?

More importantly, how many relationships can we save by invoking Sebastian’s lesson?

Imagine...

learning the silliness of being crabby...

from a crab!

WHAT CONSCIENCE DREADS

“In the abundance of your kindness, surpass the merits and desires of those who entreat you. Pour out your mercy upon us, to pardon what conscience dreads and to give what prayer does not dare to ask.”

This excerpt is from a Collect prayer for pardon and mercy for each of us:

“...to pardon what conscience dreads, and

to give what prayer does not dare to ask.”

What powerful symbols of the limits of our humanity! These two phrases form the framework within which we corral our possibilities. For whether we are considering our relationship to our God, or Higher Power, or whether we are considering our relationships to one another, why would we presume these two limitations as our boundaries? Why would we presume that the other of whom we are requesting pardon and grace would limit him or herself to these boundaries?

“...to pardon what conscience dreads” assumes, for example, that our friend, spouse or relative will not tolerate something we in conscience have said or done. Moreover, it assumes that we would not be forgiven. We are all, after all, human. Why assume that another human being would see our frailties as unusual or unforgivable?

“...to give what prayer does not dare to ask” assumes that our spouse, friend or relative would never give us that for which we ask, and would be selfish enough to have limitations on his or her willingness towards us. Why would we assume that our goodness would not be returned by theirs, in an abundant and unexpected way?

Have you ever considered how often our own presumption of limitation limits our own possibilities? Have we ever noticed that the unexpected in others would have been the everyday in ourselves? There is a certain arrogance in this attitude, as we sometimes seem to feel that others cannot show the generosity of heart that we show.

This prayer reflects back onto our own attitude in a way that is, I believe, instructive. For if we begin to expect the best in others, it will elevate our own intentionality as we head out into the world. And, in fact, consider this… it may just elevate what was possible in our relationships, in our own experience, and in the experience of those with whom we share our journey.

THE LAST PISTACHIO

A friend of mine recently had a conversation with her aging aunt. Throughout her life, this friend has had a proactive, kind and compassionate approach to her aunt. Overcoming her aunt’s somewhat contentious personality, my friend has always shown her aunt respect and kindness.

This particular instance was no different. But to my friend’s surprise, her call resulted in a lambasting by her aunt for no apparent reason. It turned out that her aunt had incorrectly assigned blame for a family issue to my friend. My friend ended the conversation as quickly as possible, hurt and a bit dismayed.

My friend now faced a dilemma. Would she allow a relationship of a lifetime with a treasured elderly relative to disintegrate? Or would she find forgiveness in her heart?

Herein lies my theory of “the last pistachio.” For when we sit down to enjoy a healthy snack of pistachios, enjoying each as we crack it open and marvel at its fruit, it is always a disappointment when the last pistachio is sour. If we are lucky enough to have our supply handy, we can have another few to change the taste in our mouth. Alternatively, we suffer the fate of the last pistachio... ending a pleasant journey on a bad note.

Here is how the story ends, though. My friend realized, after a few days of contemplation, that she did not want to leave that last pistachio taste in her mouth. She did not want to disrespect her relationship, long-lived and long-endured, by parting on a negative note. She summoned her courage and decided to call her aunt this past week. When she told me she was intending to do so, I marveled at her courage. We prayed together for a good result. And sure enough, she had a successful, kind interchange with her aunt, who was clearly in a better mood and not contentious at all. In fact, her aunt was near tears in apology for her attack in their last conversation, which she had discerned was false and inappropriate. At her advanced age, she had the wisdom to realize that life is too short to allow permanent damage to infect relationships of a lifetime.

How many instances like this do we have in our lives? How many relationships, or exchanges, or negotiations, do we feel frustrated enough to walk away from? And how many times do we never look back? Is that severing of ties more a liability than an asset in our life’s journey? Could our lack of forgiveness be causing us to leave behind a piece of our future that could otherwise have gone differently?

Of course, it for each of us to decide. But I leave you with my friend’s reflection:

“I’m filled with gratitude that I did summon up the courage to call my Aunt. My uncomfortable feeling about our interchange was interrupting my serenity. Thank you for recognizing my bravery. I appreciate being seen and heard in this way.”

In my friend’s self-reflection was another hidden benefit I had not foreseen... she was grateful for the person she had become through this decision as she saw, upon reflection, that her relationship schism was interrupting her own serenity.

I encourage you, as I have done, to look at circumstances where the last pistachio has caused you to turn away. Because turning back and finding a way to make amends might heal an inner angst that threatens your serenity. And, it is obviously the more courageous thing to do.

A RESPONSE IN THE HEART

Those in recovery learn the value in their lives of accepting, internalizing, and living The Twelve Steps. Not coincidentally, they begin with the simple notion “there is a Higher Power, and it is not me.”

Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Step 2: “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Step 3: “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

I recently heard Father Nathan Cromley speak about the apostle James who, when he asked if he could sit at the right hand of God, was asked if he could “drink the cup…” which those in recovery might translate “do the work?”

James was then told, “Whoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave.”  Those in recovery would humbly read that as “a Power greater than ourselves.”

As I watch and admire the process of recovery, I can easily relate it to a modern-day apostolate. Crowley’s description transfers so directly…

“their light, the impact that their life makes upon the world, reveals to us something of the heart of the one who called him, who summoned that light, who called for that response.”

It takes incredible boldness to “drink the cup” – do the work.  So many of us would prefer to remain anonymous, but those in recovery must call on the passion of the soul, drink from the cup, and eventually carry their message of recovery to others… not remaining anonymous.

Step 12: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

True recovery, then is really for all of us.  It means social justice, doing what’s right when it’s not popular, and not choosing to hide in anonymity. We cannot change our culture if we choose to hide in anonymity. Do we dare to show that boldness? Do we dare to connect so intimately with our Higher Power, whether we choose to call that Power God, or the Universe, or our own chosen name? Can we can lose our own sense of anonymity and connect with the heritage of our divinity to change the things we need to change in our culture and in our world?

Let’s all learn from the Twelve Steps.  Let’s learn from the modern-day apostles who are our sisters and brothers in recovery.  Our love and connection with our Higher Power can drive us out of anonymity and into creativity, connection, productivity, newness, and amazing growth. Our Higher Power is not just calling us to perform tasks other people can do, but rather calling us to perform the tasks that no one else will do. That original gift of love that is our life, our response to recovery, is ours to spread.

Perhaps the real gift of the Twelve Steps is learning the courage required to leave yesterday, and start to spread the word of a better tomorrow.

If we feel called to intimacy with our Higher Power...

If we are asked to share the inner depths of our soul with our Higher Power… Will we be willing to be known by that call, claimed by that call, individually? Because if we are, then we’re going to dare to give a response.

Love is not anonymous. Love does not allow us to hide. Loves summons our greatness, our courage, our strength, our dedication… and it summons us to action. In great things and in small, it’s not a question of the size of the project, but of the boldness with which we undertake it.

That sort of response is anything but anonymous. It is a response from the heart, touching the heart of others. That kind of courage never allows us to stop bringing love to others. We are not driven to despair, because when we are centered in our Higher Power, we innovate, we change, we pivot, we move, but we never stop. We do not allow discouragement or obstacles in our way to stop that drive inside of us to make our Higher Power known through service to others.

Let us seek the courage to have a response in the heart to this call, and in turn, touch the tomorrows of people we haven’t even met. 

EMOTIONAL ADDICTION

“There are physical addictions (addictions to substances that then begin to control us physically), and addictions to self-pity, which control our emotions. Our automatic reaction to not getting our way is self-pity.” 

-Joyce Meyer

Addiction can wreak havoc in the lives of many affected individuals. Joyce Meyer’s message is directed to those affected individuals actually falling into a type of addiction themselves – the addiction to self-pity. Therefore, I direct my message not to the addict, but to the person living with, or affected by, the addict. While that life circumstance is known as co-addiction, its perils and pitfalls, if not addressed, can lead to patterns of behavior easily categorized as addictive.

Co-addiction is, in many ways, an invitation to self-pity. If we allow it to be, it can be an open door to resentment, anger, and the emotional reactions that result from pitying ourselves. As we compare ourselves to others we wallow in self-pity, invoking the injustice of it all. Dwelling in self-pity characterizes life as neither just nor justified. And yet, the scales of justice are a balancing act of good and bad, pro and con. Noting only the negative differences caused by the effects of addiction in our lives ignores the positive people and circumstances that surround us every day.

So where can we dwell? I believe that dwelling in co-addiction and its negative emotions can be crippling. In every day of our life, there is good and bad. Dwelling in self-pity is a life sentence to forget the good, to ignore the “pros.” It is a directive to see only the bad, to magnify the “cons.”

And so I challenge you today to seek and find the “pros” in your life. They are the people who are in true recovery- bringing light, life, hope, encouragement, goodness and kindness everywhere they go. Are you paying any attention to them?  Or are you focusing only on the “cons…” the negative people, not in true recovery, who bring on the negative effects of co-addiction? Wouldn’t true justice demand an equal balance of consideration - taking the time to notice the people and circumstances in your life (including the recovering addict) exemplifying the benefits and the goodness of recovery?

I believe, if you have chosen to stay in a household where addiction has been present, true recovery only can begin for you when self-pity is eliminated as a “go to” emotion. Self-pity is eradicated through forgiveness, trust in your Higher Power, and self-control, all precepts of 12-Step living. Your recovery role models are all around you, and you can see by their lives that self-control, not self-pity, is a recipe for serenity.

Give it a try. You will give yourself, your loved ones, and your own future, the gift of stability and happiness, as no outside force will be able to control you. Doesn’t that seem like a path to enjoying every next day of your life?

AND IN ALL THINGS WAS I LOVING?

In the 12 Step Program, the 10^th Step Inventory is one where we view a single page of character traits. Each trait is identified by three separate attributes listed along a spectrum ranging from “SHORTCOMINGS” to “WORKING TOWARDS” to “ASSETS.”  For example, along the character trait we might call “Self-Awareness” fall three levels of that attribute:

SELF-AWARENESS

Self-Righteous..........Taking Responsibility………....Admitting Mistakes

And at the bottom, is the question “And in all things was I loving?”

 “And in all things was I loving?” 

When we do a personal inventory to highlight our faults, too often we internalize the resultant guilt.  Yet when we place ourselves in the crucible of the insightful question, “And in all things was I loving?” we are able to separate the things we have done with love and the best intentions from those done without any love or compassion at all.  If we do a daily inventory, or examination of conscience, let us do so in its intended context… let us assess the character we have shown through our actions and follow by asking ourselves, “In these actions, was I loving?”

Of course we must give priority and attention to deep character defects, but thanks to our Higher Power (whom some of us call “God,”) we have a useful tool to discern which actions point to defects needing such attention, and which others might point to flaws or oversights more easily correctable.

Each of us has flaws. Each of us falls prey to temptation.  When we seek a process of introspection to discern areas of needed change, we can borrow from the 12-Step Program to separate our missteps from our true character flaws.  

Ask yourself, after you harm another person through something you did or did not do, “In these actions, was I loving?”

GIVE US THIS DAY

In the great Exodus, millions of Israelites were miraculously provided their daily bread from heaven—manna enough each day for that day.

In the Lord’s Prayer, the petition “Give us this day our daily bread” acknowledges that we want God’s help for whatever is needed to sustain life that day...spiritual and physical strength to deal with one more day of illness or rehabilitation, or things related to obligations or activities in that day.

What is the essence of our “daily,” rather than weekly, monthly, or yearly bread? It makes the seemingly-unmanageable manageable.

The well-known mantra “One Day At A Time” is the foundation of every 12-Step Recovery Program. A person mired in addiction carries into his first 12-Step meeting shame about his past and fear about his future. The balm of realization that he need only take one step, one day, even one breath at a time to sustain his recovery is life-saving.

Those of us who face setback, illness, or tragedy will fall into a downward spiral if we, too, don’t seek the foothold of that first step which stops the free fall, and that next step which starts the ascent. Each upward movement signifies a victory which must be internalized to sustain healing and, ultimately, recovery.

We reach to our Higher Power. We petition to find the foothold, to preserve the hope it signifies.

“Far from ruining the purity of solitary prayer, petition guards and preserves that purity. The solitary, more than anyone else, is always aware of his needs before God. ... His prayer is an expression of his poverty. Petition, for him, can hardly become a mere formality, a concession to human custom, as if he did not need God in everything.”

-Thomas Merton

So please give yourself just this moment, just this breath, to fill your soul with whatever it needs for this moment. 

Strength will come. 

God will provide.

THE BALANCE BETWEEN WORLDS

Face your fear.

Do it afraid.

Aphorisms, yes.

But do they resonate?

Do you have fears which, if overcome, could change your life? Or could at least begin to forge a path for you to do so?

Thomas Merton knew something about fear. By paralyzing the spiritual seeker, fear was, in his view, a precursor to despair. And he saw faith as our chance to bear that Cross and transcend its weight to live the fulfilled, productive life for which we are destined.

“This, then, is our desert: to live facing despair, but not to consent. To trample it down under hope in the Cross. To wage war against despair unceasingly.”

Let’s examine our fears. Before we can truly face them, we need to know their root sources. Are they physical fears? Or are they emotional hurdles which, if dissected, could be overcome one at a time?

Spiritual seekers in 12-Step Programs hear at every gathering the Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

We need courage in the face of fear. But perhaps this prayer shines light on a formulaic approach to sorting out the fears we need to courageously face and overcome, from the fears we need to let go.

Our everyday lives challenge us to balance between two worlds - the outer world and our interior selves. Encountering people, places and things around us, we live the outward journey. Many, if not most circumstances are beyond our control. We let them go.

Our practice of silence and solitude places us on the inward journey where, conversely, most, if not all circumstances are within our control. It is those which we must face... and find the courage to do so.

Take some time to shift your thinking. When an externality upsets you, you can invoke the Serenity Prayer. What about the circumstance causes you fear? Can you change it? Perhaps you can let the circumstance go but seize the opportunity to face the fear. It’s a worthy undertaking, because that same fear probably sabotages your thinking around many other circumstances. And, if left unchecked, it can grow into despair.

Faith in God, or our Higher Power, can guide us through the darkness. And we can access that faith on our inward journey. Because God resides in you, and in me, and in every human being. Our spirit awaits that Spirit, to get us through fear to the other side. Faith that we can harness that Spirit strikes the balance between worlds.

It’s what set us free.

EMOTIONAL HEALTH

Discouragement and despair sometimes feel as if they are cloaked demons lurking in the shadows of our lives. In these dark times, our emotions are presenting themselves as symptoms and they threaten our overall emotional health.

As rational beings, we can see that cause and effect. Yet if dark emotions are overwhelming us and we try and rectify our mindset, we are not the rational beings we can sometimes be. Emotions are irrational. When we are emotionally overwhelmed, we are irrational. And in that irrational state we often look outside ourselves to blame the outward circumstance causing our pain.

But the cure for overwhelming dark emotions is an inside job.

Silence and solitude calls us inward to examine how external forces are controlling our inner spirit. It is time to go through the steps of discernment in the Serenity Prayer.

• We remind ourselves: “the only person I can change is me.”
• We reflect “which things that are affecting me can I change, and which must I accept.”
• We pray “give me the wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and those I must accept.”

And, like a miracle, we find the serenity we seek.

Of course it isn’t easy. But it is life-changing. It reestablishes our relationship with ourselves first, and then with those around us.

Self-pity and depression are twin spirit-slayers. They erode self-confidence, self-compassion, and self-esteem. Out-of-control emotions lead to out-of-control behavior. After a short period of time, we realize that this way of life is not a sustainable dynamic.

The cycles of life swing wildly between joy and sorrow. Our initial reaction is to name these times “good and bad.” That mindset, however, is a life sentence to a half-empty existence.

“You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. Nobody else can keep you happy, and nobody else can make you unhappy if you really don’t want to be unhappy.”

-Joyce Meyer

Well, I certainly don’t want to be unhappy, and I’m certain you don’t either. So what kind of a message is Joyce conveying? Her conclusion is that we must take personal responsibility for our lives and our reactions to them. Otherwise we are left devolving into self-hatred in our inability to conquer the forces drawing us into despair.

“When society is made up of men who know no interior solitude it can no longer be held together by love: and consequently it is held together by a violent and abusive authority. But when men are violently deprived of the solitude and freedom which are their due, then society in which they live becomes putrid, it festers with servility, resentment and hate.”

-Thomas Merton

Again, we see the value of solitude and silence. In the solitude we stop the downward spiral that has us spinning out of control. In the silence we listen... reconnecting spirit to Spirit. In an hour, or a day, or even a week or a month, the peace and serenity we seek comes into focus as a possibility. And whether it takes a day, a week or many months, we start to make the impossible possible.

It is not within our bodily strength to turn ourselves from irrational hot pots of emotion into calm and serene rational beings. It is within our spirit.

It’s worth the effort to change ourselves. It’s a difficult journey up a treacherous mountain, but the pinnacle is a place from which we can easily see the path ahead. With time and patience we arrive at the state in which we are meant to live, and from which we are destined to see the world, affect change, and live in serenity.

LEARNING, BECOMING, CHANGING, GROWING, AND MATURING

 “And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?”

-Rumi

When we hear the catchphrase “life is a journey,” the metaphor evokes thoughts of planning, mapping, departures, stops, and destinations. My thoughts about the journey, however, take the shape of describing that long journey into ourselves... how we are formed and reformed. We learn, we become, we change, when we grow. Then, somewhere along the way, we may approach maturity. It is, however, a cycle. We have never learned everything there is to learn. We have never become all that we can become. We have never changed to the extent that we are able to change. We have never grown to our fullest potential. And we certainly never mature fully.

Therefore, there is no point in our journey when we can truly rest. How, then, do we remain in solitude and silence, attempting to assess our progress?

12-Step programs give us a perfect slogan for this phenomenon: “Progress not Perfection.” We must be patient along the path to recognize our daily trials, and to work on our inherit weaknesses. At any moment in time, our intellect and our emotions wage the constant battle between rational and irrational behavior. We may be fine in the abstract as we consider such potentialities as conflict, distress, or personal challenge, but when we actually encounter them in real life, we are wont to fall short of our highest potential.

To quantify the effects of externalities on our real-time intellectual (rational) and emotional (irrational) reactions, we must consider how we are affected by our external environment. For example, I face challenges in my desert environment, and I’m able to meditate as I walk, or bike, or swim in a temperate climate surrounded by shimmering palms and majestic mountains. These externalities feed my soul, and as a consequence, my mind is clear to think and direct my activities and behaviors. A close friend of mine also faces a personal challenge, but in her case, in subzero temperatures in outdoor surroundings which, although beautiful, are impossible to directly encounter due to the climate. She, however, orchestrates daily encounters with family and friends around food and fellowship. Her soul is thus nourished, allowing clarity of mind to direct her behaviors toward constructive and satisfying outcomes.

We learn, grow, change, and approach spiritual maturity with every encounter of our lives. If we can accept the path toward progress as slow, nonlinear, and sometimes “one step forward and two steps back,” we will invoke the patience required to maintain a positive attitude and sustain a forward trajectory.

“By your steadfastness and patient endurance you shall win the true life of your souls.”

-Luke 21:19

The journey, after all, is not a sprint, but a marathon. And it is patience, in the form of endurance, that wins the race.

Can we endure all that life throws in our path? Is that what we are really expected to learn, in order to become individuals who can change, become ready to grow, then finally mature?