HOW TO TREAT YOUR PROGRAM FAMILY

My friend and author Michael Fox recently published a book, The Tribe of Christ, in which he addresses the topic of brotherly kindness.  Upon reading the following passages, my mind leaped to how we might always want to treat each other in our Program Family.  I'll leave the specific connections up to each of you.

I hope this message will help you as much as it is helping me.  Because Michael uses the term “God,” I have not altered his passages to add “Higher Power.” It is my hope that you will employ any substitutionary device you may desire.  Whether we come to Program seeking our Higher Power or denying that such a power exists, most of us can attest to the fact that experience brings us to one singular eventuality, summarized this way:

There is a God [Higher Power], and it is not me.

For those of us who deem our character defects to include co-dependency, or enabling, this section is a treasure-trove of messages.  Notice that the two parties to an interpersonal transaction are called “redeemer” (a much kinder moniker than enabler!) and “recipient” or “receiver” (referencing the one whom we are enabling).

Here, Michael refers to the tendencies we have within the context of familial love to “help.”  But, as a cautionary tale, we come to realize as we read on that “help is not always helpful.” 

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer works harder than the recip­ient on the recipient’s behalf. It’s the essential difference between en­abling and empowering.

Help is not helpful… when the recipient, developing a sense of entitle­ment, moves from a place of gratitude to a place of expectation.

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer looks upon people as prob­lems to be solved.

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer, or another, minimizes the receiver’s experience or feelings.

Help is not helpful… when a recipient continues to focus on being rescued from immediate threats rather than seeking long-term recon­ciliation.

Help is not helpful… if the recipient cannot answer, “Yes!” to [the] question, “Do you want to be healed?” a redeemer can help a recipient to stand… a redeemer can walk alongside a recipient. But, a redeemer cannot walk for the recipient. A redeemer must invite a recipient to grow into maturity and responsibility.

Help is not helpful… when redeemers project their own needs on re­ceivers. Some redeemers use helping, even inadvertently, to satisfy their own desire to be loved; others use helping from a place of pride, think­ing, “I am the person to help”; still others use helping as a tool to control or shape the thoughts and behavior of the recipient.

Help is not helpful… when the redeemer becomes intrusive or manip­ulative in the life of the recipient.

Help is not helpful… when the recipient disappoints the redeemer’s unspoken expectations of where the recipient should be and what the recipient should be doing. This disappointment can lead to resentment and anger in both the redeemer and the recipient.

Help is not helpful… when a redeemer, either inadvertently or inten­tionally, encourages a receiver to maintain identity as a victim. Redeem­ers can be slow to release their grip on recipients; for when the recipient

changes, the redeemer must necessarily change. Sometimes there is work redeemers need to do in their own lives which is obscured by their help­fulness.

Help is not helpful… when a redeemer cannot show a recipient what to do with their pain. Author Richard Rohr observes, “All healthy religion shows you what to do with your pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it. Rohr believes, “Mature religion is about transforming history and individuals so that we don’t keep hand­ing the pain on to the next generation.”

Help is not helpful… when a receiver never grows into a redeemer, when receivers aren’t taught that they been blessed to become a blessing. This knowing is the way the kingdom of God grows.

Help is not helpful… when recipients develop a dependence on the re­deemer rather than deepen a trust in the movement of God in their lives.

In all our Program work, we can grow only to the extent that we reach higher, or deeper, for understanding.  In that spirit, may this message hold keys that resonate for each and every one of you.